Life — October 18, 1917 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FOOLISH CONTEMFO ARIES Out of It Up and down the village street walked old Tompkins, dressed all in his Sunday best and with a clean collar on. “Hello, old fellow!” a friend hailed him. “Aren't you working to-day?” “No,” replied the old man, proudly. “I'm celebrating my golden wedding.” “Really? Then you've been married fifty years!" Yes, I have.” Then, where's M Tompkins? Isn't she celebrating, 100? “The present Mrs. Tompkins,” the old man coldly rebuked the idle questioner, “has nothing to do with it —Reedy's Mirror. Unretumed Favors A Connecticut farmer was asked to assist at the funcral of his neighbor's third wife, and, as he had attended the funerals of the two others, his wife was surprised when he declined the invita- tion. On being pressed to give his rea- son he said, with some hesitation: “You sce, Mary, it makes a chap feel a bit awkward to be always accepting other folks’s civilities. when he never has anything of the, same sort of his own to ask them back to.”—Harper's. Pinch, use ALLEN'S FOOT-EASE The Trouble ‘es,” said the cynical old sea cap- tain, “when I was shipwrecked in South America I came across a tribe of wild women. Absolutely wild. They had no tongues.” “Good yracions!” exclaimed the lis tener; “how could they talk?” “ They couldn't,” was the reply. “ That was what made them wild.” —Ladies’ Home Journal. Mr. Beows: I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man running off with you. Mrs. Brows: And what did you say to him? Mx, Brows: 1 ayked him what he was running for.—Syduey Bulletin, BELL-ANS Absolutely Removes Indigestion. One package! PIONS? it. 25c at all druggists. rE AGE'S | GLUE oot. | A HOUSEHOLD NECESSITY 10¢ Smarty! A full-blown second lieutenant was endeavoring to display his great knowl- edge of musketry. Sauntering up to the latest recruit, he said: ¢ here, my man, this thing is a rifle, this is the barrel, this is the butt and this is where you put the cartridy The recruit seemed to be taking it all in, so the officer, continuing, said : “You put the weapon to your shoul- der; these little things on the barrel are called sights; then to fire you pull this little thing, which is called the trigger. Now, smarten yourself up, and remem- ber what I have told you: and, by the collier, 1 suppose!" came the reply; “I only worked as a gunsmith for the Govern- ment Sinall Arms Factory.” —Tit-Bits. Willing to Experiment The sewing-machine agent rang the bell. A particularly noisy and vicious- looking bulldog assisted in opening the door. The dog stood his ground. The agent retreated slightly. “Will that dog bite?” he asked. “We don't quite know yet,” the lady said. “ We have only just got him, But we are trying him with strangers. Won't you come in? "—Tit-Bits. “Torr you will come out ahead, Pol bie. What are you being examine this time of the school year for “For adenoids."—Early Bird, a Scottish soldier said the other y, the French are getti bit of their hack.—Orient Wee Salonika, “FAREWELL DINNER” SEXOLOGY by William H. Walling, A.M., M.D. a clear, wholesome , in one volume: _ Have. ebalheeoldce a Hshand Sell Have Koowledge a Young Woman Should Have. Koowledze a Youst Wie Shoold Have. comicbookseera