Life — March 22, 1917 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘BEE ° The Tragic Tale of Alcibiades J. Skinner LCIBIADES J. SKINNER Was the famous after-dinner Speaker of his day. He secured, just by excelling In the art of Story Telling, One good meal a day. Chestnuts more than often passé He exchanged for Marrons Glacés, Canvasback and Quail. Flat the feast and dull the dinner Lacking that accomplished Spinner Of Postprandial Tale. Every mail brought invitations: Teas and luncheons and collations, Dinners without end. No one to a Formal Function -Such impressiveness, such unction, ‘ Such éclat could lend. At that gruesomest of gruesome Rites, The Banquet tendered to some Literary Light, None could say with such conviction, “We have Snooks of Snappy Fiction In our midst To-night.” How he said it made no matter ; Shaft of Wit or Broadway Patter Meets with like acclaim, Latest Mot or Jest Historic, To the dinner guest plethoric It is all the same. When he said, “ This moment finds me Unprepared,” or, “ That reminds me,” There would be a hum Of expectance, or a rippling As though Daniel (or Kipling) Had to Judgment come. Alas for Fame! As A, J. Skinner Put it at the Pilgrims’ Dinner, “Fame's a fickle Jade!” Had he then an intimation That his own wide reputation Was ere long to fade? From that day his after-dinner Stories thinner grew and thinner. Sorry was his case. Rare the dinner invitation, Rarer still the lunch—Starvation Stared him in the face. One day as his eye was wandering O'er a map, he fell to pondering: “If I cross the Main, Somewhere ’twixt the Poles and Tropics I may find some brand new Topics For my food campaign!” So one Friday A. J. Skinner Bought a passage and an “Inner” On a sailing ship; Not for sport or relaxation, Not for rest or recreation— 'Twas a business trip. Fatabtrip, had he but known it! Or a Fortune Teller shown it Written on his palm !— How one morning bright and sunny, With a breeze as soft as honey, And a sea as calm— Somewhere in the South Pacific There would spring up a terrific Tropical typhoon— Smite their helpless ship and bear it On a mountain wave and tear it Like a Toy Balloon. Luckily for Mr. Skinner, When she sank he was not in her, Clinging to a Spar, Being, too, an expert swimmer, Soon he saw the breakers’ glimmer On a sandy bar. Lucky, did I say? Choice of words! crawling Up a Sandbank gritty, On firm land a foothold winning, Call it luck to meet a grinning Cannibal Committee? Appalling Would you when Well, to make a long narration Shorter (by abbreviation), Soon as he was sighted Alcibiades J. Skinner To a most select Shore Dinner Was at once invited. Never had the South Pacific Witnessed such a beatific Banquet as was here. Never was such mirth unbounded As when that far beach resounded With unwonted cheer, Epicures on South Sea beaches Waste no time on Toasts and Speeches ; Happy dreams had they. In their midst was A. J. Skinner, Most delicious After-Dinner Speaker of his day. Oliver Herford, Phew ais ence Pat Tauatamst IF TROPHIES COULD TALK comicbooks.com