Life — February 15, 1917 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

If Men Did Things as Women Do Tue TeLePHone CoNnvERSATION (Hubert, clad in a messaline peignoir trimmed with ciderdown, is at a loss for means whereby to kill time. His eye falls on the telephone. Powdering his nose joy- fully, he seizes the telephone and curls up comfortably on a davenport.) UBERT: Two three two three two three Brisket. (Elmer, seated in his rose-tinted boudoir, is running pink baby ribbon around the edges of his athletic under- wear with a silver underwear-threader. The telephone bell rings. Hastening to his dressing-table, he straightens his necktie and makes a pass at his hair with his military brushes, after which he picks up the telephone.) Ever: ‘Hello? Husert: Hello, old dear! Eimer: Oh, hello, Hubert. for ages! Husert: I know; but I haven't had a moment since I called you up night before last. I spent all day yesterday picking out a derby; and in the evening Mary Jones came to call and stayed until half past one. Eimer: My dear! How perfectly thrilling! did you get your hat? Husert: At Hightop’s. It’s the darlingest thing, Elmer! The crown is just a little higher than most I have seen, and the brim curls up in the sweetest way! And only thirty-nine dollars, my dear! Really, I was simply stunned when they told me the price! Etmer: You lucky thing! It must be absolutely rav- ishing on you! How was Mary Jones looking? Husert: My dear, I'm through with Mary Jones! She brought me a box of four-cent cigars, and thought it en- titled her to bore me to death for hours, telling me about her former love affairs. Eimer: What frightful nerve! She’s really quite com- mon! Somebody told me that she used to put musk on her handkerchief! I haven't heard from you Where (Seven minutes are utilized in tearing Mary Jones's reputation to shreds.) Husert: Oh, my dear! The most exciting thing! You could never guess! Emer: I am dying to hear! Husert: Well, Chauncey Waxwing called up this morn- ing and said that Percival Crowbill had seen Fred Owleye come home at quarter of twelve last night simply ossified! : How perfectly awful! Isn’t that positively atrocious? Never shall I allow that man to set foot in my house again! (Twelve minutes are devoted to grilling Fred Owleye.) Etmer: By the way, dear, Rupert Railbird has a new pair of cerise satin trousers with Georgette crepe over- drape. They look simply hideous on him, but he swaggers around in them as though they were straight from Callot’s. He is perfectly in love with himself. Husert: Isn't he the most impossible thing! I shall never forget the Cluny lace golf-cap with the Airedale aigrette in it that he wore to the horse show. My dear, the horses positively went into hysterics! (Eight minutes are given over to deriding Rupert Rail- bird's abominable taste.) Husert: Really, dear, 1 must stop now. You know I am dieting. I must drink six glasses of water, cat a head of lettuce and roll a potato around the kitchen floor ten times. You won't know me when you see me. My vest absolutely hangs on me. I've lost a quarter of a pound in the last three weeks! Etmer: How wonderful! You must tell me all about it. I have gained two pounds since last summer, and I'm frightened to death for fear that I shall have to have my trousers let out. Husert: Oh, my dear! You can stand a lot more! Good-bye, dear. Ring me up to-morrow. Maybe I'll see you at Basil Beanstalk’s bridge to-morrow afternoon. Eimer: Good-bye, dear. By the way, dear, what shall you wear to Conrad Custard’s tea-dance? Husert: I think I shall wear my mauve frock-coat with comicbooks.com