Life — January 6, 1916 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Interviews with Dead Celebrities “ONE of the reasons why I haven't looked you up before—” I be- gan. “T know,” he replied, “it's hardly worth while interviewing a man who has been dead so long as I have, and who, when he was alive, didn’t try to reform anything or steal anything, spent a part of his old age in jail, divested a perfectly good lady of her jewels and sct out to discover a coun- try which was entirely different from what he thought it was.” His tone was reproach ful. “T've been neglected,” he continued. “Shamefully so. They didn’t even name the place after me. I am one of those rare cases of man's being misunderstood both before and after +death.” My dear Columbus,” I replied, po- litely, “you ought not to complain. Several public buildings and theatres have been named after you. Your iron monuments, if not exactly dotting the landscape, have, at least, a place in our gallery of sculptural horrors. An al- legorical lady, who ranks at least with Phoebe Snow and the Sutherland sisters, has been named after you and is referred to occasionally by orators; and Washington Irving wrote you up. Besides, I intend to advertise you. I have come to get your impressions of America.” He smiled sadly. Ah! Little did I think,” he mused, “when I leaned over the side on that fatal day and, gathering up a bunch of seaweed, knew that we were approach- ing land, that I should be the cause of Henry Ford, Hearst, the Colonel, Kansas whiskers, Kentucky whiskey, professional humorists, eugenics, Broad- way plays, Billy Sunday, Lire’s Short Story Contest, Congress, child labor, adulterated best sellers and the kanga- roo flop. It's pretty bad, isn’t it?” “Tt might be worse,” I added, sym- pathetically. ‘“ You know the prospect of Bryan running for the presidency again is rather slim.” His eye brightened. But when he spoke again his voice was softer than before. “Tell me honestly,” he said, as they say it in Albany, “do you consider that I am responsible for all this? God knows I suffered enough—” “Christopher!” I exclaimed, stern- ly. “Don't! You couldn't help it. You didn’t know what was coming. Besides, if you hadn't, someone else would have undoubtedly discovered us. We had to be discovered, Be a phi- losopher.” “T will!” he cried. Then he turned to me with a note of triumph. “It's this way,” he whispered. “North America had to be afflicted with the Anglo-Saxons—and others. She had to assimilate all of those things and more, and she has got to get them out of her system.” “How long do you think it will take?” . “Perhaps until the Germans come,” he said. “GHE believes everything she is told, doesn’t she?” “Yes, indeed. Why, that woman would even believe a letter of recom- mendation.” — Zz Gyroscopic HE United States, properly trained and equipped, may hope to be the regulating weight on the pendulum of Europe. That preparedness in this country might lead to clashes with Europe is often suggested. Much less attention is paid to the possible usefulness of a strong, trained United States as a fac- tor in keeping the peace of Europe. Interesting Objects A WAITER in a smart New York restaurant, in the act of receiving a ten-cent tip from a Utica man and his wife and three children, after a six- dollar dinner. A Republican Congressman explain- ing to his constituents why he was un- able, during the last session, to get the present tariff bill repealed in favor of one he had drawn himself. A man who was staying at the same resort with a celebrated New York surgeon, and who, suddenly taken with appendicitis, was operated on by that surgeon, in the act of opening the bill “for services rendered” two months later at breakfast. TSS TRB ¥ TRUE KINDNESS WHEN YOU REFUSE HIM APPEAR AS UNATTRACTIVE AS POSSIBLE comicbooks.com