Life — March 25, 1915 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Poor Fellow HE officer led him into the white light of the court. The judge gazed upon him piti- lessl: “Your honor, this man was found at midnight stand- ing on the corner jabbering to himself, singing snatches of the national an- them and reading incoherently from scraps of paper he had been writing upon. At first we thought he was an American novelist, but he seemed too intelligent. However, he was such a suspicious character that we have hrought him here to your notice.” The judge addressed the prisoner. who was gazing abstractedly off into space. “What is your name “In the case of a wife who is mar- ried to a husband, and provided that the proper deductions have been made, what happens then to the dividends of corporations, assuming that there i fixed salary not exceeding the amount due the transgressor? And in this case is there a bonus?” Prisoner, what is your name?” Suppose I am married to a mem- ber of the New York Stock Exchange, having children of my own, and be- sides this am joint owner? What stands in my name and who is re- sponsible at the source? Is the premium on an endowment equal to the sum total of an an- nual annuity? Is this line carried down from Schedule A, and if in excess of twenty thousand, would you advise a separation of the afore- said deductions and possible back in- terest, and upon what basis am I a fiduciary partner? Would a fixed salary make the transfer tax any easier, and who is, or are, my outstanding loans?” The judge wiped away a salty tear, s he leaned forward and whispered hoarsely : “ Officer, find out where he lives, use my private car to get him home, and treat him as tenderly as any man in deep affliction ought to be treated. you see that he is only an honest American citizen trying to figure up the amount of his income tax for the past year?” T. L. M. “TEACHER, WILL YER LET JIMMIE OUT—HE’S GOTTA PITCH FER THE TEAM” policy , seu sandal “ SHINE, ROSS?” An Educational Announcement A’ interesting announcement has just been given out by the Mausoleum Endowment — University concerning the establishment of a new and elaborate course in paralogics. This has been added to the curriculum in response to a wide- spread demand on the part of million- aires and magnates for more evasive methods. The ever-increasing number of investigations of trusts, strikes, philanthropical foundations and kindred activities have greatly added to the dificulties of concealment. As_ in- vestigators become more shrewd and develop keener abilities for framing questions so as to bring out the exact information required, witnesses are compelled more and more to perfect devices for keeping the said informa- tion under cover. The course will include a thorough training in weasel words, ambiguities and oracular construction. It will show how to sidestep to the best ad- vantage, when to be frank and when to he non-committal, when to remember and when not to remember, what sort of statements are damaging and what sort are not, how to avoid specific and dangerous admissions by introducing long, platitudinous generalities and sen- timentalities. Special attention will be paid to studying how to mix sincerity and hypocrisy in the best proportions to produce the proper effect upon the public. The work will be under the general direction of Professor George Cobwebs Quibble. E.0.J. course