Life, 1914-12-03 · page 33 of 92
Life — December 3, 1914 — page 33: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page satirizes **wealth and the afterlife**. The main story, "Breaking the News," features Death (depicted as a dark form) visiting a multimillionaire who's drafting his will. Death announces a new divine rule: the wealthy can now take their money with them when they die—but with a catch: they must spend their entire income annually and never accumulate capital. The joke's sting: forced spending becomes a **punishment worse than damnation itself**. The multimillionaire is more horrified by the spending requirement than by learning he's going to Hell. Only when Death clarifies there are "no lawyers" in Hell does the man despair—until Death reveals this messenger isn't actually from Hell's "interior," just stationed outside. The satire mocks **Gilded Age attitudes**: extreme wealth-hoarding, the equation of accumulation with virtue, and the implicit assumption that the rich believe they can escape consequences. The added "Modern Inventions" joke about a "Patent Golf Swearer" continues the satirical tone about social pretense.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
1001 Breaking the News THE multimillionaire was engaged in making his will when a dark form stood over him silently. At first the multimillionaire did not per- ceive the visitor; he was busy trying to decide whether he should leave fifty millions to various charities and ten millions to his family, or vice versa. But he suddenly looked up, startled. “You here?” he said. “Aren't you ahead of time?” | “Don't be uneasy. Your time hasn't come—not quite yet. My object in paying you this slightly premature visit is to tell you that a new decision has just been arrived at.” “And that?” “Hereafter all multimillionaires will be permitted to take their money with them when they die.” VALLEY FORGE “That's interesting. I suppose I “inner!” can rely upon your word?” “Absolutely. There are no lawyers Modern Inventions Mbt come from, so my word is AATENT GOLF SWEARER—Swears in all languages. Can be used by The multimillionaire, much relieved, orthodox person without any sense of remorse. Relieves the mind almost began tearing up the pieces of paper. instantly. Works while you foozle. But finally he said: This handy little device, with megaphonic attachment, was invented by a “By the way; there are no condi- young clergyman while learning to play golf. It has a graded scale of oaths, tions, I suppose?” which are released automatically after every bad play. Rips ’em out with such “Well, yes. One. You have to keep genuine feeling that you are immediately lost in admiration and make your next spending—that's the new rule.” play with positive assurance. “More than the income?” “Oh, no, Just the income. No more, no less. You keep the capital.” “Then a man can’t save anything— he can’t go on accumulating?” “No, Keep what you got—and spend, spend, spend. No accumulating.” The multimillionaire buried his face in his hands. Then he looked up at the dark form. The blow had fallen. “So I'm not going to heaven,” he said. “I'm going to the other place, That’s where you are from?” “Yes. That is the idea.” A pause. Then the multimillionaire turned once more to his visitor. “Impossible!” he cried. “ Didn't you just say there were no lawyers there?” The visitor smiled. “Well, not exactly,” he replied. “I merely remarked that there were no lawyers where I come from. You see, I'm only a messenger, I'm stationed outside. I don’t come from the real Cornwallis: My, HOW BAD I FEEL! tropical interior.” comicbooks.com