Life — February 5, 1914 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“ Financiers have been given too expensive toy-play by sweet-hearted Sam-Uncle ™ tionally. They have been permitted to play whoa-horse with U.S, Treasury so oftenly they think they are now com- plete proprietors of that wealthy cash- drawer. Howeverly, that shall not be so! Time arrive up when Sam-Uncle dishcover Infant Industries attemping to lick the paint off from expensive Tariff Schedule. ‘ Drop it down!’ holla Uncle with voice. ‘I shall axceed to your unreasonable requesh,’ snagger that enlarged Baby, ‘yet if you forbid me from removing my usual nourish- ment from that Tariff, then I shall break all customary toys and ruin Wall Street by weeping into all the stock markets until they are more watery than usual.” “Must Sam-Uncle give him back his Tariff to retain peace in famil interview. “Tf he are a Pittsburg Uncle, he shall,” dictate Arthur. “ But if he are a Montessorian parent he will lock Hon. Finance into the Cotton E: change and permit him to weep away madness.” “If he are permitted to sob without sympathy, what does it?” are next question for me. “Tears are like other songs,” renig Arthur. “They are less sweet when nobody listens. Leave Wall Street alonesome with his peev and he will soonly stop asking to own the Govern- ment and return to innocent joyness of wrecking toy cars marked N. Y,, N. H. & H.” “Will he not start some Hard Times for revengeance?” I snuggest. “Not to do!” dib Arthur. “He distinctially realizes how they might 221 drop on his toes before injuring any- body else.” “T shall go Washington and tell this bright news before the Government gets more superstitious,” I mention while putting on my anxious derby hat. So I elope away in Gen. Direction of White House where I expect see Hon. Wilson and encourage him to speak truthful while being boiled. Hoping you are the same Yours truly Hasuimura Toco. (Per Wallace Irwin.) By Default A SAFE and sane Fourth of July having been established on a firm basis, and a safe and sane Christmas having been at least arranged for in the near future, the American people became more ambitious. “We will,” they said, somewhat con- fidentially, “have this event come oftener, and make preparations to es- tablish one once a week in the form of a safe and sane Sunday.” So saying they went joyfully about their work. P.S. Up to the hour of going to press they had made no progress, however, owing to objections from the followin; From automobilists, who objected not to taking Sunday rides. rom clergymen, who declared that this was the best day to preach. From parents of countless poor chil- dren, who said that Sunday was the only day upon which they could wear out their children and themselves by taking them on excursions. To all the transportation companies, who stated that they were near enough to being ruined as the case stood at present, and Sunday was their biggest day. To the newspapers, who wouldn't consider not coming out with their comic supplements. May I kiss you? H Sue: Certainly. But will you first. kindly step into that antiseptic cabinet for five minutes? comicbooks.com