Life — January 22, 1914 — page 32: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FOOLISH ONTEMPO ARIES Plenty of- Company There was an old Scottish pagan in a small village who could be by no means persuaded to attend church, One day the minister met him and began: “How is it, John, you are sistent in your absence fr “Weel.” replied John, “it's just “ike this—the sermons are over lang for me.” “John! John!" wrathfully cried the “you'll dee and you'll go to a no sermon, long minister, place where you'll hea or short.” “Ah, weel, viaybe that will be." re- plied the phlegmatic John; “but I'm sure it'll no be for want of meenisters.” —Pittsburvh Chronicte-Telegraph. GREAT NEAR SPRING WATER D cents per case of 6 glass stoppered bottles Tue stage-drivers in Yellowstone Park are bothered considerably by the foolish questions asked by their/passen- gers, and often resort to satirical an- swers. Once a lady tourist who seemed deeply interested in the hot springs in- quired : “ Driver. do these springs freeze over in winter?” “Oh, yes, yes; a lady was skatins here last winter and broke through and got her foot scalded."—Everybody's. omfort Without Extravagance Hotel Woodstock, New York, friends with the homely temedies of her girlhood days, For a on it’s a steaming hot toddy—made with Old Overholt Rye “Same for 100 Year” A full-bodied, straight Pennsyh tia Rye, known ip pti be berry elles cal re favor for over 100 years ‘Aged in charred oak barrels ‘tnd botiled in bood. A. OVERHOLT & CO. DEITIES Plain or Cork Tip | makes an | 2ets. in stamps. C, W. A Thrifty Genius There is a certain famous violinist who frequently visits this country, and who, among his acquaintances, is almost as noted for his parsimony as for his genius. Among this musici: admirers was a young woman who was determined, if possible, to procure some souvenir of the great man. Her opportunity came one rainy day when she chanced to en- counter the musician on Broadway. He was provided with an old cotton um- Lrella, green with age; while the young woman carried a nice new silk one. She stopped him for a moment, ex- claiming: “Oh, if you would only give me some slight remembrance of yourself—no mat- ter how small!” The great man surveyed her keenly, and then gave a glance at the old cotton umbrella that covered him. This he thrust into her hands, saying: “Certainly, my dear young lady. I shall be delighted. We will exchange umbrellas."—L ippincott’s. A teaspoonful of Abbott's Bitters with BE GeRS eal appetizing tonte., Sample of bitters Abbott & Co., Baltimore, Md. The Cat, Oh, Where Was She? A cook who had burned up a piece of veal weighing four pounds threw it away and reported to her mistress that the cat had eaten the meat. The lady placed the cat upon the scales and found it weighed exactly four pounds. “There, Bridget.” she said, “are the four pounds of meat. but where is the cat?"—Ladies’ Home Journal. Froit mail, a Pinch, use ALLEN'S FOOT-EASC. Typographical Errors Among the quaint scrapbooks of the late Clyde Fitch, all of which are now to be sold at auction, there was one de- voted entirely to typographical errors, One of these errors appeared in a criticism of Ellen Terry. The reviewer wrote, “Her love of Portia made acting easy". The sentence appeared in the paper as “Her love of port made acting easy "Florida Times-Union. Mr. Henpeck Explains It was a wizened little man who appeared before the judge and charged his wife with cruel and abusive treat- ment. His better half was a big, square- jawed woman, with a determined eye. “In the first place, where did you meet this woman who has treated you so dreadfully?" asked the judge. “Well,” replied the little man, making a brave attempt to glare defiantly at his wife, “I never did meet her. She just kind of overtook me.” —Pittsburgh Chronicle-Telegra*h. “DON'T SHOUT” “Thee re, Jn bese ere es wl horse smoot impro\ matic origins Marm valve 1 culatin base. both | Straig! floati gasolir mount tric sta tire p every 1 for fi Roadst Limou $3,000. dianap hundred thousand sol Ore MORLEY CO., Dept 783, Bem Bid; “hia WANTED—AN IDEA! Sts siz thnk ot ri to patent! Protect your ideas, they pay bring yoo wealth, Write for” Neoded,laventions'* aod "Mow to Gee Your Patent and Your Money," eat atterwery Dep Pittsburgh, Pa. | | "6: | tion, Professor? Marrtep Pror.: —Penn. Punch Bowl. RANDOLEL & CO.. Pu Do you believe in infant damna- Only at night. Wasbtagten, D.C. comicbooks.com