Life — November 20, 1913 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Lessons From Life pany, New Ere TT 2 great work being accomplished by Lire Noise Distributing Company is now recognized by every civi- lized nation. The Emperor of Japan has just cabled us: “Can you send us regiment of your special news boys to call ‘Extra’ over Chinese Empire?” We have cabled His Royal Highness that we cannot spare these boys at present. Up to the time that we took hold of this special branch of Ameri- “The newsboys that we are training” can noise, we discovered to our chagrin, that none of our city news- boys had really been trained to call, “Extra.” It is true that many of these boys, quite a number of whom are grown men, roam through the streets of New York and other large cities day and night shouting “ Extra” “Classes are forming every day” TIER © Is Your Voice Screechy > American Women of All Ages and Ambitions Taking 's Noise Distributing Com- of Noise Now Assured, and they have been fairly successful in disturbing people and waking every- body up. The newsboys that we are now train- ing, when they have taken a course of our instruction, will be heard for‘ at least two miles; in other words, their ices ~will be almost as loud as the American society woman's at a dinner par! g some. Speaking of the ladies, however, we realize perfectly that up to the present time, American women have not prop- erly trained their voices. It is quite true that a party of them, when they cross the ocean, can usually be heard all over Europe. But this is nothii to what we expect to do. Already ladies from various parts of the East, Northeast, West and South are enroll- ing with us in order to take our six weeks’ treatment in strengthening the voice. We pay particular attention to the high nasal notes. If you have an inherited ability to talk through your nose, we can improve it 100 per cent. inside of ten days. At the present time, a woman's voice in a surface car can barely be heard above the gong, but after taking our course of treatment she will be able to disturb every business man on the block. We intend to pay special attention to congressional applicants, Any senator or congressman who wishes to make his voice louder will be given half rates. and this is goin, RA wae nen ( UNITED STATES i \ “Make themselves heard all over the country has We are nothing if not patriotic. Sev- eral times we have personally visited both the Senate and the House of Representatives, and have been amazed at the low (if sometimes passionate) voices of Messrs. Gallinger, Tillman, Lodge, Murdock and others. Our congressmen and senators, above all things, should be able to make not only four or five-hour speeches with- out stopping, but should make them- selves heard all over the country; it having long been known that in this land of liberty what you lack in in- tellect, can be correspondingly counter- balanced by the length and strength of your voice. We pay special attention to suffra- gettes. Classes are forming every day. We as one of our instructors, a lady who has not only stumped this country, but has been in the London jail, and the Reichstag in Berlin had a fever heat for over four hours as a re- sult of what she said. The time has come when our Suffragettes must as- sert themselves. What we have ob- jected to all along has been their mod- est and shrinking attitude, which, of course, is due to their soft and well- modulated voices. We guarantce to make a screeching suffragette out of a timid flower of womanhood in teen lessons—$100 in tdvance. Do not hesitate to call us up over the telephone. We are in the voice business and the louder you talk and the less you say in a given time, the better we Ii If we can make Anierica over into a pandemonium, every citizen will then be sure of life, liberty and the pursuit of unhappiness. Life’s Noise Distributing Company. iour- eit.