Life — October 16, 1913 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Letters To Editor “Weekly Life” whose re- porters are all Mark Twains, EAR SIR:— I am con- fused. I read so much truth in newspapers which is a lie that I am disabled to tell how much. Formerly of yore I imagined that these Printing Presses was manufac- tured to publish murders, divorce, finance, politics and other crimes just like they happen, so we could enjoy them for breakfast when too busy to go see for ourselves. Now I suppose otherwise. This is how I deranged my former opinion. Sydney Katsu, Jr. refined Japanese of Harvard intelligence, has obtained job of reporting on Evening Parasite, where he writes Japanese football and other etc. Last Wedsday he approach up to me with eyewink, American salute. “President of Metropolitan Inse- curity Distrust Co have just stole 151,- 000,000$ worth of franchises,” he re- port for excitements. “Congratulations! That will make delicious news to print,” I exclam. “Tt will make delicious news not to print,” he yellup. “ That Metropolitan Distrust Co own valuable shares in Evening Parasite.” “But are you not there to print news about crimes?” I require peevly. “Stealing franchises are not crime. It are a transaction,” reciprocate Syd- ney. “ Besides, there are sifficient evils to publish without dragging in Big Business. Some things, too, are kind of sacred. If we should stop up be- lieving in Wall Street, who knows what? Maybe we should begin snub- bing God and the Constitution.” “ But if your paper never print dish- agreeable truth, how can it be enter- taining?” I ask it. “TE ELE of a Japanese School-boy When is a Newspaper ? “There are plentiful news to find outside of our Set,” depose Sydney. “For instancely, a delicious riot. have just broke out from I. W. W. in Paterson, N. J. This will make splan- did front-page excitement for stared- head type, ‘Murderous Bombers Kill Us’. We are very stern about all or- ganizations what are too poor to ad- vertise. Nothing is too wicked for them to do. We manufacture smart editorials, ‘Do Anarchists Own Us? They Do Not!’” “They could never afford to, at your price,” I snuggest. Sydney make no intellectual reply to this, “Are your paper not often fearless in politics?” I ask to know. “When speaking of the Democratic Party we are dreadnoughts,” he nar- rate. “We are Republicans. But even then we can be reasonable like a Sherman Law. For instancely. In the rabid dementia of political cam- pains we frequently and often write colums full of shock to tell how sin- ful Hon. Nero McTammany, State Dem boss, must be. But Hon. MeTam- ‘Wlamypehave lent Hon. Proprietot of Evening Parasite considerable loan at vegy Christian %. Therefore é per- mit that Hon. slightish favor.” “What should that be?” I negotiate like an airship. “We permit him to read proof of those abusive articles.” “So he can cut out the abuse?” I snuggest. fe “Ah not!” say Sydney. can cut out the truth.” Last Satday evening p. m. Hon. Frank Ichimoto, Japanese butler, were discharged like a gun from home of Hon. J. W. Soapstone, rich-wealthy Department Storer of this location. During that transaction Hon. Soap- stone picked up a furniture chair to teach Hon. Frank politeness and stroked that poor Japanese over top- head so strongly that he made bump- tious fall down staircase, bursting his collarbone where he sat. Hon. Frank layed down in backyard to finish dying till Deceiving Hospital wagon took him there to enjoy operation. Mr Editor, would you not think that would make good news to print it? McTammany one “So he “ Firstly I go to office of Daily Pharasee” comicbooks.com