Life — October 9, 1913 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“iE EE Letters of a Japanese School-boy To Editor “ Life” whose Awful Num- ber knows how to go too far without arriving there, EAREST SIR:— My Aunt Taki Kati, spin- sterial suffragette from Kobe, Japan, arrived here of recently and say she should like see all the customs of America. “What you wish see firstly?” I re- quire for guide-bookish expression. Theater,” she say so. “Had we not better begin with some other slum first?” I ask out. “There are some delicious gunmen in jail this week; Tammany Hall are still open to tourists and I could show you some splandid opium smokeries in China- town, price 25¢.” “Why should I not see theater first?” she require with Pankhurst eye- brows. “ Because so,” I report. “To enjoy theater you should a proach it grad- ually like any other bad habit. It are better to work up from mild to more strong. Otherwisely you might become ill without fecling intoxicated. For- eigners intending to see American theaters should first take lessons in blonde-slavery, debutchery, gunmanli- ness and 0. u. kiddery. Then they can see dramatic arts without blushing too much.” “ My stumach has been strengthened by hunger strikes,” say that suffraging Japanese. “Therefore I can stand considerable endurance.” “What variety play you wish ob- serve?” I say it. “Some simple domesticated drama,” she indicate. So we went forthly for see what was. Mr Editor, when we approach Broadway that street seem about like usual. Breathing get more difficulty there all time, because so many new theaters arise there each night, making fresh air umpossible. “T smell the odor of some smell,” narrate my dear Aunt with chokes. The ‘Drama of Sex “There is several new Viennese plots in town,” I say so. While we walked we could see fol- lowing flashing signs winking with wicked electricity: Countess NyMPHIA By Swinesurc Orenty Vicious!! Next sign report: Tue Girt ano THe Liucrtine A Horrete Hit!! Next theatre divulge: Sticutty Somep Tue Drama or Disease!! Nearby electricity say: Tue Ware Stave's Frotic Movers Musicat Comey 100 SHocknc Soncs!! My Aunt Taki Kati wish see this opera, because she admire Gilbert & Sullivan for their tunes. So we go Box Office and ask buy sitdown inside. “We do not sell tickets,” he reply peevly. “Ain't you got sifficient brains in your mind to go to speculator when buying tickets?” We find Hon. Speculator by sidewalk looking quite commercial. “t0$ cach,” he report with tickets. “Why should your price be so im- modest?” I snagger. “This are an immodest play,” he snudge. “Also we must charge extra for this performance, because the author will be arrested after Act II.” I knew we could see just as much wickedness for less cash money, so we valk onwards. On side-up street we see sign which say: Tue Limit! AbUNDANTLY Worst!! At this play we obtain sitting-room price 3$ each, which were deliciously cheap for so much sin. When we got inside there I obtain program, which was useless for my Aunt Taki, who do not understand American language, but can blush plenty in Japanese. Follow- ing words was on program: Evil Characters Represented J. W. Wineblower. .. Vice-President of Vice Trust Mrs Lillian Loreici....A temptation. A poor shop girl. There was many others on that pro- gram which I did not have time to see because Hon, Curtain go uply amidst Rector music. The scenery was red like it was blushing for itself. And there sat Hon, Mrs Lorelei removing shoes while smoking opium. Pretty soonly one of her husbands encroach in and complain that Hon. Janitor has been putting too much water in his morphine this week. Knock-knock by door. Hon. Police arrive in and accept bribery. Amidst considerable talk about purity Hon. Miss Venus arrive in and say she cannot obtain sifficient vice for 4$ weekly in department store where she work. Therefore she have come. I shall tell you the rest when I can whisper . . . Mr. Editor, when Act I were fin- ished up my Aunt Taki Kati smell a bottle of Japanese salts for take the taste out of her nose, She say that if America was like this Japan must annex it before it decayed. She say her oldmaidenhood were insulted by that sight and she was sure she must. die dead from shocks. “Maybe we better go outside for ventilated air,” I snuggest. “Ah no!” she otter. “Let me faint where I am. If I went out I might lose my seat.” ‘ But I feel otherwisely. I would rather drink my beer in some saloon where thoughts are more pure. So I clope outside, leaving Hon. Aunt to chock by herself. There was so many Presbyterian clergymans coming in- ward that I was nearly scrunshed in going outward. Yet I manage to get to lobbed door outside. By Boxed Office I notice Hon. Moses comicbooks.com