Life — October 2, 1913 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

é “SAY IT AGAIN—LoUupER!” with a chop-sword to follow every policeman and a soldier with a shoot- gun to follow every Executioner. So you see. When policeman take graft from white-slavery Hon. Executioner chop him at neck, when Hon. Execu- tioner take graft from policeman, Hon. Soldier shoot him in lung.” “But when Hon. Soldier take graft from Hon. Executioner, what is?” “ He will get job in Tammanoki Hall as usual,” I deplore. “The Hon. Mayor will nextly attemp to reform Broadway. All chauffeurs found guilty of driving taxicabs will be boiled in gasolene, all waiters will be tipped off from Brooklyn Bridge, street car conductors will be thrown to their passengers and torn to 1,000s of strips, Russian dancers will be compelled to appear without jewelry, and therefore catch pneumonia, Grand Opera will be sung in Japanese only, baseball scores will be printed in same language s office boys can’t read them and will therefore have time to think of impor- tant clerkships-— ” “They can, but will they?” are Mis- sourian question for S. Sugari. I make no attention to this. “In meanwhiles,” I report with great importance, “in meanwhiles what is that Japanese Congress doing with itself in Washington? They are meet- ing. Hon. Yellow Champ Clark arise upward and say, ‘Gun-no morra kicka- War AR is a system of reducing population, when all other dis- honorable means have failed. A few leading patriots get together for this purpose and after the box of Havanas and the consenial high-ball have been brought out, they decide between drinks that there are too many people. A list of grievances is then published and the gunmakers, having been noti- fied of the amount of their rake-off d the families of all the leading statesmen removed to a place of safety, war is then declared, Provi- dence notified and the clergy re- quested to pray for the murder of as many of the enemy as is consistent with the most progressive Christianity. After the gunmakers have made a sufficient profit to enable them to get new steam yachts and other necessi- ties for their children, and the country against whom war has been declared has given up enough of its territory to satisfy the demands of conscience, Peace is then announced; the wives and mothers of those killed express their great pleasure in the privilege given them to contribute, and the hos- pital service, which during the war has been found inadequate, is thoroughly reorganized in the columns of the leading papers; the bankers also begin to collect the interest on their loans, sev- eral new forms of taxation are discov- cred and the blessing of God is asked to fall upon a liberty-loving people. jama run!’ which are Yokahoma language for ‘It are now time to do the Tariff all over again’, So uply arise Hon. Oska Underworra, con- gressman from Arrabama, an he say, ‘We will first begin with Schedule A and work gradually downwards towards’ . . .” But when I look around from my speech I was alonesome. Hon. S. Sugari, Japanese quick-delivery under- taker, had eloped away to follow some other funeral belonging to an impor- tant dead one. Hoping you are the same, Yours truly, Hasuisura Toco. (Per Wallace Irwin.) comicbooks.com