Life, 1913-10-02 · page 17 of 48
Life — October 2, 1913 — page 17: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This satirical piece mocks contemporary anxieties about Japanese military expansion through a comedic letter format. A Japanese schoolboy writes to *Life* magazine about Japan's supposed plans to "capture America." The humor relies on: 1. **Broken English**: The boy's fractured syntax ("Why should?" "are very fashionable") exaggerates the speaker as foreign and ridiculous, making his imperial boasts absurd. 2. **Absurd scenarios**: The undertaker character, discussion of borrowing from Wall Street to "civilize" America, and plans to appoint Japanese officials as U.S. President mock the grandiosity of Japanese military ambitions. 3. **Contemporary anxieties**: The piece reflects real early-1900s American fears of Japanese military power (likely post-Russo-Japanese War), while simultaneously ridiculing those fears as paranoid fantasy. 4. **Self-deprecating "benevolent" colonialism**: The "water-cure" and other references satirize imperialist justifications for invasion. The cartoons below show martial figures in exaggerated postures, reinforcing the mock-serious tone about Japan's supposed threat to America.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
) 4 é } 4 b 2 - 2 x} a . SE. DRE Letters of a Japanese School-boy What Shall Japan Do With America When She Captures Her ? To Editor “Life Magazine,” who bring prompt Tues- day smile on face of all maps, AR MR SIR:— S. Sugari, Prompt-delivery Jap- anese undertaker ar- rive up to me yes- terday with salesman expression. He con- gratulate me on how ill I looked and said he hoped I should not forget his new embalmery which are very fashionable. “Why you seem so sad and com- pressed this morning?” he require to know with happy teeth. “How can I be joyous?” I ask it. “Last week I was promised job as chief cannon-shooter in Japanese navy in the very soon future. And now what I find? The capture of California has been postponed again!" “So glad to hear!" depose S. Sugari. “Why should?” I require peevly. “Are not war pleasant for all under- takers?” “Motto of all undertakers is “Peace’” snuggest S. Sugari. “ Doves is our favorite poultry and we expect to move Tomestone Trust to The Hague where its malefactorial habits will not be noticed among so many peaceful palaces.” “ Discouridge Hon. Graft from flirting with policemen” “Kindly to think more business with your brain!” I say out. “Can't you not see how war shall increase wholesale manufacture of death-rate while in peace-time folks die away too seldom?” “In peace-time they die seldom but expensively,” depose S. Sugari. “ Un- dertakers cannot make wealthy. cash burying folks what have been mur- dered by cheap Soc bullets. Therefore lam a Carnegie Republican.” At such words I put my eyesight into sly I-spy expression peculiar to Japan- ese secret service. “So ha!” I collapse secretively. “Perhapsly you will join me in some happy war-cries on date when Japanese captures America!!!” “T have not heard of this alarming event,” snuggest S. Sugari making fright with his eyebrows. “Maybe not you have,” I snib. “In your silent business you miss consid- erable delicious conversation.” “When will this disgusting explosion arrive up?” he anguish. “Not sure,” I information. “ Hon. Rt Rev. Gen. Field Marshall Oyama are now in. Tokyo talking Japanese dictation to 28 stenographers. This make very difficult typewriting. He are computating how much it cost to capture America and civilize it. Hon. Oyama have made considerable figur- ing. By borrowing from Wall Street he can conquer these U. S. very nicely, but he cannot find cash money to civilize it, because Wall Street do not want America civ- ilized. Therefore we must borrow from Dr Sun Yat Sen or some hea- then banker.” “Would it be some good for Japan to own America?” gaggle S. Sugari. “No, not,” I snuggest. “ But it would be extra nice thing for America. It would be another case of benevolent dis- simulation. Japan would emerge onto these shores with gun to uplift her Little White Brother. Yellow scientists would fumigate Chicago, yellow patriots would give water-cure to New York police force, political bosses of each -State would be en- tertained to ceremony of hara-kiri and the New York, New Haven & Heartless Railroad would be removed away among other historical wreckage.” “Tell me that entire program,” con- tuse S. Sugari. Charmedly he say it. “Firstly,” I lecture, “ America must be captured. Hon. Oyama will arrange this with kindly assistance of Germany and other loud-fire guns. When this slight job are entirely accomplished up Hon. Viscount Chinda will elect him- self President on yellow Republican ticket. Hon. Hashimura Togo will be Sec of State because he are a contin- uous conversation and understand for- eign peculiarities. Hon. Champion Clark will be courteously shoved off from chair in Congress and that im- portant location filled by Japanese labor, Hon. Frank Lane must also remove himself from his comfortable interior job so some progressive Demo- crat from Nagasaki can set there. Bald head Japanese preferred. And so on- wards. As soonly as Washington be- come entirely yellow by complexion, . then this Star Spangled Rising Sun Government will commence cleaning up America.” “Which end of America will they begin on?” require S, Sugari. “The New York end,” I response, “because it are the dirtiest. Hon. A. Klinoki, Japanese mayor of New York, will commence by reforming all syndicate theatres.” “ How will he accomplish that?” ne- gotiate S, Sugari. “By closing them up. Nextly he will discouridge Hon. Graft from flirting with policemen.” “ How shall he?” Sugari ask out. “He will appoint a Executioner comicbooks.com