Life — September 18, 1913 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“IRAE Letters That Nobody Ever Writes Br John Kendrick Bangs From a Billionaire to an Embarrassed Cabinet Officer Skuupo Cast eptember 10, 1913. Y Dear Mr. Secretary: On reading your C. Q. D. call for help in. yesterday mornin pers, apropos of the sheer inability of anybody's living in Washington under. present conditions on $12,000 a year without hopelessly scrambling the nest-egg, | went over my 80 books last night to see if there were | not some way in which T could relieve your sad situation. I find that after deducting my own { penditure from the day's receipts there is still a small balance on hand of $47,897. which Iam at’ my wits’ ends to know how to invest safely. It has occurred to me that if T sent you my do this if you are disposed to reciprocate with a simple recognition of my service. If I send you the check, would you consent to wear a small automobile tag made of aluminum, and therefore not too heavy to carry comfort- ably, pinned on the end of your coat-tails, and inscribed simply The Rockernegie Foundation? Please do not think that | am seeking to advertise myself by making this stipu- lation. Perish the thought! If that were my idea I should ask you to pin the tag on your breast; but, as it is, all I ask for is a modest place at the rear. Drop me a line on the matter at your convenience, put- ting a red seal on the lower left-hand side of the envelope, so that it will surely reach me. All letters not so marked are sold to the ragman. Ever yours, my cear Mr. Sceretary, Poryenemus RockerNecie, oe eee From a Capitalist Employer to an 1. W. W. Man Out of a Job Tue Unxitep States Suovpy ( F September 1, 19:3. MY Dear John: 1 am told that you are again out of employment, and inasmuch as 1 need a bobbin-boy in my mills, 1 shall be very glad to take you on in that capacity, although I can quite understand how a man forty-seven years old and as able-bodied as you are may not find the bobbin- work altogether to his taste. To make the offer more alluring, however, let me say that the work hours a: from cleven to one daily, except Saturdays, with an hour off for lunch—not particularly confining even for one of your somewhat peripatetic habit. Moreover, I will have the machine at which you work so adjusted that you can perform your duties lying down, for which purpose I will provide a morris chair, or, if you prefer it, a hammock. There will be a free service of chilled grape juice and ice cream during your working hours, and two small picka- ninnies from Georgia will fan you and keep the flies away on over-warm days. Now, in respect to another, but yet related, matter: For the summer months I have moved my wife and children into the upstairs apartment in my garage, and while in my embloy you may occupy my house at the seashore, which you will find a perfectly appointed establishment, equipped with sixteen large guest chambers, cach with its private bath, parlors, a library and music room, billiard-room and a card-room, and so on, all suit- ably kept up by a corps of seventeen trained servants. Here you will, of course, be my guest. The only diffi- culty about your living there, as I see it, will be the fact that it is located ten miles from the factory, and you may have to rise at ten o'clock in order to get to work on time. I would have the factory moved to my front lawn if I could, but in the present scarcity of labor that is not practicable. But I can send you to and fro between the house and the factory every day in either my limousine or my touring car. What think you? Believe me always, my dear John, Your humble and obedient servant, Witttam MackintosH, President, The United States Shoddy Company. P. S.—I forgot to say that your wages will be $30.00 a day, payable either in advance or on demand, according to your choice. oe eee From a Live Business Man to the President New York, September 15, 1913. M* Dear Mr. President: 1 have been somewhat amused lately by the nonsense that has been so seriously printed in the papers in regard to the difficulties confronting an American am- bassador when trying to maintain the dignity of his country and his own position on his salary of $17,500 a year. Twenty-five years ago there might have been some- thing in this complaint, but to-day, in view of the preva- lence of the tipping system, there is really nothing in it. It is a matter of pretty common knowledge that the serv- ants’ receipts in tips in the establishment of one of our ambassadors have run as high as three thousand dollars over a single week-end, and under any ordinarily lavish scale of entertainment seldom fell below two thousand dollars a week. Now, under such conditions, I respect- fully submit to your Excellency that all the situation needs is thorough organization and a capable business manager to turn out a veritable bonanza. I would, therefore, say to you, Mr. President, that if you will turn the whole comicbooks.com