Life, 1913-03-13 · page 13 of 44
Life — March 13, 1913 — page 13: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three distinct pieces of satire: 1. **"Ad Woodrovum"** - A poem mocking President Woodrow Wilson's political compromises and pragmatism, using conditional "if" statements to satirize his balancing act between ideals and political reality. 2. **"The Welfareous Steel Trust"** - An editorial critique of the Carnegie Steel Company's welfare spending. The author argues that while the company claims five million dollars in welfare work, only three million actually reaches workers—the rest funding administrative overhead. The satire highlights corporate hypocrisy: spending less per employee annually than a European vacation costs. 3. **"The Mote"** - A brief humorous exchange about academic cheating, with a cartoon showing what appears to be a theatrical scene. The joke concerns passing examinations dishonestly. The page represents typical early-20th-century American satirical journalism critiquing corporate practices and political leadership.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
-LIFE.- Ad Woodrovum I F you can keep the tariff rates protective, And steel yourself against the foreign-made, And also keep democracy effective By agitating free, untrammeled trade; If you can check financial depredation 3y putting down the trusts with iron hand, And yet maintain the credit of the nation By keeping friends with Wall Street’s vested band; If you can mouth a speech on woman's voting And win the favor of the surging sex, Without inferring, saying or denoting The terse de minimis non curat lex; If you can please the many by selecting A cabinet that won't displease the few, And then persuade the few that you're expecting To grant them—later—signal honors, too; If you can keep the peace with foreign powers, While roaring war to show you yearn to fight, And take your wonted sleep of eight full hours When duties keep you busy half the night; If you can read what papers say about you, And never think of libel when you read, And gather politicians sage about you To follow where you, untried novice, lead; If you can smile when greater men attack you, And lose with grace where lesser men had won; Why, four years hence the universe will back you, For you'll have been Some President, my son! Holworthy Hall. The Welfareous Steel Trust OLONEL BOPE, First Vice-President of the Carnegie Steel Company, tells us that the Steel Trust is show- ing marked philanthropic tendencies which caused it to spend five million dollars last year in welfare work for its employees. This is a lot of money, but of course it had to be spread over a lot of territory, for the Steel Trust is a tremendous organization. He tells us of a number of ways in which this money was disbursed, and it ap- pears that two million is paid to injured workmen or the families of workmen who have been killed. This leaves only three million dollars of welfare that workmen can get without being physically unlucky. It would amount to about twelve dollars a year for each employee, which, of course, would not go very far toward an annual vaca- tion to Europe. Speaking of Europe, why doesn’t Colonel Bope claim credit for the welfare work the Steel Trust is doing for foreign countries? By the beneficent selling of steel ten dollars a ton cheaper over there than over here, our neighbors across the water are welfared over a hundred million dollars each year. There is quite a difference be- tween ten dollars a ton and sixteen and two-thirds cents a ton which the welfare comes to on the side. But let us not be hypercritical. Let us rather rejoice that the Steel Trust has begun to oppose the theory that a consumer is without honor in his own country. Ellis O. Jones. IDEALS OUT OF EVIL The Mote INANCIER: To think that a son of mine would rib,” actually steal, to pass a college examination! Tur Son: Come off, Dad. How much did your com- pany have to swipe to pass that government examina- tion? These Are the Answers to the Rebuses in Last Week's Life Ay HORUS girl may kick at tights sometimes, but not always. (Page 463.) The present style makes fat women fantastic and fearful. (Page 4: “SAY, MAMMA, DO THEY BURY ALL THE DEAD ACTORS UNDER THE STAGE?” comicbooks.com