Life — November 7, 1912 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: The Days We Celebrate HE ghost of Thanksgiving Day and the ghost of the Fourth of July met in that debatable land where spirits wander and brag. The Thanks- giving ghost was plethoric with turkey, and had the sanctimonious air of one who has overeaten himself in the cause of religion. The Fourth of July ghost was badly singed and smelt of gun- powder. He looked askance at the comfortable rotundity of his neighbor. “ After all,” he observed sharply, “ you are not the national holiday.” The Thanksgiving ghost smiled broadly. “ Those fellows in Philadel- phia meant well,” he said, “but they mistook their season. What do you feed on? Ice cream and soda water. And you call yourself a patriot!” “YT stand for a cause,” said the Fourth of July. “TL stand for Thanksgiving. consumptior said “Battles were fought in my name,” said the Fourth of July. “Bottles are drained in my honor,” said Thanksgiving. “Hundreds of children are offered up to me every year,” said the Fourth of July. “Thousands of turkeys lay down their lives at my shrine,” said Thanks- giving. “Orators shout my praises,” said the Fourth of July. “Preachers proclaim my goodness,” said Thanksgiving. “T defied the British, and I fought them,” said the Fourth of July. “T stole from the Indians, and I killed them,” 1 Thanksgiving. “T scorch myself to assert the free- dom of the people,” said the Fourth of July. “T gorge myself to prove their pros- perity,” said Thanksgiving. “T swear that I can never be beaten,” said the Fourth of July. “T give thanks that I am not as other men,” said Thanksgiving. “You are a hypocrite,” said the Fourth of July. “You are a braggart,” said Thanks- giving. Just then two other ghosts drew near. One of them looked uncom- monly like a scarecrow. The other wore a liberty cap and flaunted the tri- color. “There is Guy Fawkes Day,” said the Fourth of July. “There is the Fourteenth of July,” said Thanksgiving. “How foolish in England to cele- Drate the discovery of a plot which never existed,” said the Fourth of July. “ How foolish in France to celebrate the destruction of a beautiful fortress by a mob,” said Thanksgiving. The four ghosts met, saluted, and went their way I believe those for- cigners were saying something deroga- tory to our dignity,” said the Fourth of July. “Just like their impertinence, Thanksgiving. said Agnes Repplier. Advice to the Fat LEEP but little; never eat Anything that’s fat, or sweet. Shun tobacco, alcohol ; Eat potatoes not at all. Beans, rice, puddings, pies abhor, er pass your plate for more. With your meals no water take, Walk until your muscles ache. an awful lot, y if the weather's hot Hungry always leave the table, Eat as little as you're able. If you're really faint for food, Unbuttered toast is very good; Or if that does not suffice, Two or three stewed prunes are nice. Milk and cream you must taboo, Sugar in your coffee, too. Try this plan two months or three And I'll give my guarantee The advice I give is true And you'll lose a pound or two. —H. T. Cooke. IF A STRAP HANGER SHOULD THANK YOU FOR CATCHING HER YOU SHOULD SMILE AND SAY, “THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE, MADAM” comicbookeat co