Life — February 1, 1912 — page 40: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE Drink More Water If you would have bounding health — if you would overcome the effects of too good living—if you would cleanse the system of the impugine that poison it—drink Londonderry) Mineral Water The most palatable of waters —it satisfies your thirst. Pure, light, sparkling, it absorbs and carries away the waste of A valu- to diges- tion. A water that comes from granite hills, bottled and sealed at its source, If you are so situated that you cannot obtain London- derry readily, write to us and we will see that you are supplied. Sparkling (effervescent) in three table sizes. Still (plain) in half- gallon bottles, LONDONDERRY LITHIA SPRING WATER Co. Nashua, N. B. It Looked That Way One morning a man walked into his club smiling and said: “ B-b-boys, I'm afraid I't-t-took m-more wine last n-n- night than a ch-ch-church member should t-t-take.” “Why so?” said one of his friends. “Well, you s-8-see, this m-m-morning, when I c-came to b-b-breakfast my wife s-s-said to me: ‘ William, what was the m-m-matter with you last n-n-night? You stood beside the b-b-bed for some time I-l-looking at me and finally s-s- said: ““ Well, I s-s-swear you two girls look enough alike to-to-to be sisters.”’” —Ladies’ Home Journal. A Candid Candidate I have pretty much made up my mind now to run for the Presidency. What the country wants is a candidate who cannot be injured by investigation of his past history, so that the enemies of the party will be unable to rake up against him things that nobody ever heard of before. If you know the most about a candidate, to begin with, every attempt to spring things on him will be checkmated. Now I am going to enter the field with an open record. I am going to own up in advance to all the wickedness I have done, and if any Congressional committee is disposed to prowl around my biography, in the hope of finding any dark and deadly deed which I have secreted, why let it prowl. In the first place I admit that I did tree a rheumatic grandfather of mine in the winter of 1859. He was old and in- expert in climbing trees, but with a heartless brutality that is characteristic of me, I ran him out the front door in his night shirt, at the point of a shot- gun, and caused him to bowl up a maple tree, where he remained all night while I emptied shot into his legs. I did this because he snored. I will do it again if I ever have another grandfather who snores, I am as inhuman now as ever I was in 1859. No rheumatic person shall snore in my house. I candidly acknowledge that I ran Old Overholt Rye “* Same for 100 years”* Bottled in bond—matured in charred oak barrels under government super- vision—has a rare flavor—aromatic boquet—worth asking for—by name A. Overholt & Co. Pittaburgh, Pa. BQ eee ee $1.26 acauiry wore OG OR YOUR Moxey RayUsoE! SAMPLE CARDS Olt WEDDING INVITATIONS UPON REQUEST tanosers ~=HOSKINS PHILA, $94 CHESTNUT STREET To be sure of the genuine, look for these boxes, Then see the trade marks on the'Gleay and the moulded rubber button, GEORGE FROST CO, Makers, Bostea, away at the battle of Gettysburg. My friends have tried to smooth over this fact by asserting that I merely got be- hind a tree; that I did so for the pur- pose of imitating Washington, who went into the woods at Valley Forge to say his prayers. It is a miserable subter- fuge. I cut in a straight line for the Tropic of Cancer, simply because I was scared. I wanted my country saved, but I preferred having somebody else save her. I entertain that preference yet. If the bubble reputation can be ob- tained only at the cannon’s mouth I am willing to go there for it, providing the cannon is empty. If it is loaded, my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get suddenly over the fence and go home, ,, My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of any given fight two-thirds more men than I took in. This seems to me to be Napoleonic in its grandeur. The last time I ran for the Presi- dency there was some unpleasant talk about my implication in-a transaction with the widow Pollock’s ducks. The matter was hushed up, but I have no objection to admitting the truth ro icbooks.com