Life — December 14, 1911 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“An ostrich, with a harem skirt on, trying to make up to an ant-eater” rheumatism cure, but I had to give up so much to the local police that there was no profit in it.” It is almost impossible to exaggerate the condition of things. Yesterday, strolling by the polecat’s house, where the air is full of all kinds of rumors, I heard the follow- ing story, which I have every reason to believe is true: Recently a parcels post was started, the kangaroo agree- ing to deliver the goods; what was the result? In a short time the whole thing had been monopolized by the kan- geroos, who used their pouches with deadly effect; the rates were raised; the Government was powerless, as all the donkeys had been bought up and their energies had been sapped anyway by their fatal habit of carrying chil- dren on short rides. Tracing down the thing to its begin- ning, I found that the foxes were responsible for the whole miserable deal. I can now say with absolute certainty that every fox is a grafter; moreover, they are quite shameless about it; —. Itiplication Mutable a je Is uns AK KK KW KX PAY NKNRN “Things are pretty bad,” said the head hippo ~L [FS * they absolutely control the machine which they subvert to their own uses, and they are so cunning as rarely to be caught. They are the greatest lobbyists in the world. The monkeys are little better. They live in crowded tenements, and spend most of their time in playing bridge and auction pitch; they have also introduced fleas into the district, and there being no pure health board, there is no relief in sight. Scratching is their chief industry. Think of all this energy going to waste! The owls are up all night, rarely crawling into their cribs until daylight; their bad example has an unconscious effect upon the entire population. The prairie dogs have ruined the soil, without interference from anyone. Yesterday afternoon I interviewed a tortoise, who con- fidentially informed me that, although he was eight hun- dred years old, in all his time he had never seen things so bad. “Tt has gotten so,” he said, “that I find myself with- drawing into myself more and more. Yesterday the first thing I saw when I put my head out was an ostrich, with a harem skirt on, trying to make up to an ant-eater, just because he had been employed by a collection agency to present a bill to her husband. In the last fifty years I have been divorced three hundred times; before that 1 lived with one wife, with scarcely an interview for decades at a time.” “How do you account for your long life?” I asked. “T have always been discriminating in my use of the proper internal bacilli,” he replied. “Eat the right germs and you will live forever.” They tried to put up a camel to run on the Prohibition ticket. Everything is at sixes and sevens. Even the sacred bull is in charge of an Irishman. The question is, What are the American people going to do about it? Unless steps are taken to reform the Zoo, this frightful condition will communicate itself to other animals all over the country. The fight is on. Advertise ! RECENTLY a clergyman who married a magnate who had been divorced, and presumably received a large ice for the service, has been obliged to resign from the ministry because of adverse criticism. He says this criti- cism has come from other clergymen who on numberless occasions have done the same thing that he di This is no doubt true, It illustrates, how of advertising the power Father's Requirement kd ND are you positive that you can support my daugh- ter?” “1 think that I can make both ends meet.” “That isn’t sufficient. The man who marries my daughter must not only make both ends meet, he must be able to make them overla comicbooks.com