Life — November 16, 1911 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“PP AE * We Are Constantly in Receipt of Important Letters Which Are Too Long for Our Limited Space. Chicago To tur Epitor oF Lire: Dear Stx.—When you published your “Boston Number,” with its tremendous mass of misinformation for the misin- formed, I hoped that you would spare the remainder of the universe. Since, however, you plan to carry still further your ruinous campaign, I beg to offer the following facts for your us The city in which it 1s my pleasure to reside is thoroughly American. Founded by American Indians, it is now policed by their descendants. Chicago, therefore, is thoroughbred. If Boston is the cradle of our liberty, Chicago is the nursing-bottle of our commercialism. Chicago has a civic pride unsurpassed in the annals of our country; so much so that at our clections there are fre- quently twice as many votes cast as there are legal residents. The party in power believes in government of the people, for the people, and in spite of the people, and to this end do we de- vote our newspapers and our Congress- men, We are an educated, a refined people. John D. Rockefeller, who has done more refining than perhaps any other Ameri- can, built for us a university to promote culture and to propagate the intelligent use of the diamond drill. Our schools send forth brave men who, however un- skilled in the manipulation of the soup spoon and oyster fork, are nevertheless amply able to go out into the world and make their mark. And why prate of New York's lobsters and champagne, when Chicago has her unsurpassed lake and her packing houses ? Is there a man ignorant of the true American spirit? Send him here. Is there a man distrustful of the peace among nations? Send him here. Is there a man convinced of the fu- tility of human endeavor? Send him here. Is there a man cast off by civilization and hounded by the police of seven countries? I think he arrived on the Twentieth Century this morning. Yours truly, Wixturor Ruopes. Cuticaco, October 11. Brevity is Absolutely Essential to Publication Good Boston Eortor or Lire: When we played Boston, Mass week we were served with the enclosed. Isn't it a scream? Freprrick Bono, Fremont Benton. Extracts from the Regulations Concern ing Entertainments to be given in the City of Boston on the Lord’s Day City or Boston OFFICE OF THE Mayor, October §, ott. 3. All concerts, entertainments or ex- hibitions to be given shall be in keeping with the character of the Lord's Day and not inconsistent with its due obsery- ane 5. Moving pictures shall not portra any melodramatic, sensational or im- moral scenes or situations. 6. Artists appearing upon: the stage ¢ to be properly clothed. No female to appear in short skirts or tights. 8. Dancing IN ANY FORM, juggling, ac- robatic, contortion, animal or illusion acts will not be permitted, 9. No change of scenery to be made during the entire performance. (Signed) Grorce A. Hipparp, Mayor. Read paragraphs 6 and 8 thoroughly and conform strictly to them. If you are in doubt, consult the stage manager before giving your act. Dance—"*'To move with measured steps, or to a musical accompaniment.” This is Webster's definition, so do not move with measured steps of to a mu- sical accompaniment. THE LAKE SHORE DRIVE Two Eligibles To tHe Pessimists’ CLus or Aaterica: Desronpext ConteMPorantes. — Two hopeless and melancholy souls herewith apply for life membership (though with no hope that they will long remain en. rolled) in your gloomy and lugubrious order. Though we realize with others the hopelessness of this society's ever attaining the slightest degree of suc- cess, yet we regard the fact with in difference, for after all, what matters it whether the d— thing succceds or not. Nothing can ameliorate our dreary con- dition; everything can augment it Therefore why trouble at all to foretell the certain failure of any movement in the first direction, We are not joining this society with any such mistaken purpose, but merely to prove our gloomy conviction that fel- lowship, even that of pessimists, is a hollow mockery. We offer the following books as sug- gestions for the sect's library, hoping the members will find them excellent light reading on gray days: 1, History of Crime and Insanity, by Hiper Kondriak. 2. Theory of Pre-Natal Damnation, by Y. B. Gluhm. 3. Alarming Prevalence of Premature Burial, by Ima Korps. 4. Tortures of the Howitt Hurtz. s. Reflections of an Undertaker, by C. A. Stiff 6. Confessions of a Ghoul, by X Hume, 7. Proofs of Inevitable Degeneration, by Y. Nott Steele. Without hope that the above list will be of any service to you, we are, Sourly yours, K. B. and W. M. E Patnceton, N. J., October 27. Inquisition, by Texas Knows Epiror or Lire: Sir—As an emancipated Bostonian, one who has achieved a perspective, al- low me to congratulate you upon your Boston Number. Words cannot express the delight afforded by the double-page cartoon Yours, A. G. Munxo. In Modern Guise LOVE Coles Phillips’s pretty maids; They never fuss or fret me; I fain would have them hang around— But my wife won't let me. R.G. S. comicbooks.com