Life — September 28, 1911 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LIFE: “Are You a Pessimist? If So, Now is the Opportunity to Join One of the Greatest Clubs in the World—Every Possible Discomfort—Dues Moderate Considering What You Get for Your Money HE recent formation of a national club for pessimists is attracting universal attention. It has generally been felt that there should be some place where pessimists can congregate, in or- der to get away from all the alluring pleasures of the world. Pessimists everywhere are joining In case you have not yet become a pessimist you should join the club a once, as it affords the greatest facili- ties You come in contact with nobody but pessimists, This in itself is a great help. The rules of the club are as follows: No smiling allowed on the premises. Anyone not complaining of meals and not saying that the scrvice at the tables is the worst he ever has seen will be fined, Cheerful remarks should at once be reported to the head cynic. Application for membership should be companied by a full account of appli- « He is liable to be blackballed if proved that he has led a cheerful life Somber clothes should be worn by bers. M ers are expected to confide all their troubles to fellow members. If members absent themselves for over a week from the morbid atmos- phere of the club, it will be taken for granted that they are enjoying them- selves elsewhere. Their cases will be im- mediately looked into. Married men can have free run of club at all hours of day and night Before entering club, every member will be required to read through, from beginning to end, Burton’s Anatomy of Melancholy and Schopenhauer'’s com- plete works; also the words and music of ten American comic operas. he following letter has just been re- ceived. We give it in full, as it illus- trates better than our weak words what the real meaning of the club is: Dear Sir: T have been a member of your club for a week and can conscientiously say that I never—thanks to you—have been so unhappy in my life. Before joining, I was very much worried about myseli because I found as I grew older I was becoming cheerful at times. This feeling of worry, which was more or less spas- modic, has now given place to a deep and settled melancholy, as I know now that I never shall be light-hearted again. Since joining your club the bottom has dropped out of everything and I haven't a friend left in the world. Your table alone would make a chronic dyspeptic out of a Sandow in three weeks. God help us all! Gratefully yours, What is our object in forming this club? Not to make money! More money would insure a life of ease— something that we instinctively shudder at. No! Our object is to unite all pessimists By combining, we shall be able to enter NO SMILING ALLOWED ON THE PREMISES upon a vast propaganda, and gradually convert everybody to our own view Scattered efforts never avail. Fellow members, as you go abroad, you may perchance notice some poor, misguided being smiling unconsciously to himself. Do not hesitate. Step up to him and warn him that that smile may be his last one. What hope is there, indeed, for any of us? This is a fleeting world of trou- SOMBER CLOTHES SHOULD BE WORN comicbook wo 0)