Life — July 20, 1911 — page 17: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- 105 A Forecast (Miracles are being performed at the Rockefeller Hospital. They can now cmputate a leg ard replace the sam keeping it in cold sto: for a week.—Newspaper report.) successfully after O VE day a doctor friend of mine without solicitation Presented me with something which I found w ~ the bearer, to the biggest marvel ever— The Jollygrafters Institute of Clinical Endeavor. A gentle nurse conducted me at once to room eleven, Where I was handed over to Assistant Surgeon Bevvan, Who guided me about the place explaining each appliance For pruning men and puppies as decreed by modern science © little children do not look as if they needed Why keep them here,” Said 1, “ The To have their constitutions trimmed. I pleaded, “When they look happy, well and fat,” said Bevvan, much elated, “Those symptoms will all nated. ppear when they are vacei “What is that awful noise 1 cried, unto my guide ap- pealing, That sounds like fifty dying pigs in one united squealing “It comes from the complexion ward,” explained the surgeon, grinning; You hear the ladies whom our beauty specialists are skin ning.” “This room,” said my companion, as my teeth began to chatter, “Is where we store our legs (not eggs), how long it doesn’t matter. We introduced this novel plan because we get some fellers Who are forever losing legs as others lose umbrellas. Each patient's leg was plainly marked—a gruesome exhibi tion! “ But do you not sometimes return,” | asked with some sus- picion, “Brown's leg to Smith or Smith's to Jones? to take a chance, sir. We do not often make mistakes,” was his laconic answer. “One has here's an ostrich,” I exclaimed, “and here are women prinking !” Said Bevvan, “You are partly right,” and then continued, winking, “Their husbands send them here because it’s less expensive We're grafting on their pretty heads enduring millinery “If you could get some angel wings and then, your art applying, Equip your patrons with the same,” said I, “and start them flying I think this place would soon be quite as popular as Heaven.” “And much more up to date,” observed Ass Surgeon Bevvan. F. Rice. New Hope for Husbands A System of Wholesale Relief, Which the Celebrated Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau Announces in Nick of Time—Manager of Bureau Indignantly Denies Report Started by Malicious Enemies—All Serene at Home I connection with our daily routine we are in constant re- ceipt of inquiries from prospective customers asking us why we do not establish an insurance department, so that any man before he enters into matrimony can, by paying a stated premium, be insured against the future Our reply is simply that this demand invariably comes from old established married men who are unwilling to pay the small sum that we charge for our work and who think that an insurance department would prove that we are ready to fulfill our promises. These gentlemen forget that such a ment would be impossible for the reason that no one would come into it. No man, just emtering upon what he considers—nay, fondly believes—will be a life of unalloyed happiness, is going 10 take the trouble to insure himself Ainst trouble, It is only after he has, so to speak, been inst it” for some time that in despair he applies to That we are amply able to show res now going to prove, and w entirely new department of this Bureau, with a system of in- surance that ought to satisfy the most captious critic We have never—in common with many others—thought s, however, we are take pleasure in announcing an it dignified or necessary to protuce testimonials, regarding such a practice as wholly unworthy of our ideals. Up to the Present time the long list of permanent cures on our books are strictly confidential, and while the knowledge and con- tant contemplation of these cures is onc of the sacred joys of our life, we have never tried to parade them before the world Hundreds of happy husbands—and with the consent of their happy wives—have repeatedly urged us to do this, but we have continued to remain secure in the possession of the consciousness of our good work until the present time. Now, however, that we have our business perfected, we have com- ENGAGED LITTLE WILLIE'S POINT OF VIEW comicbooks.com