Life — December 29, 1910 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Life’ $ XXIV Better Not! (With apologies to Mr. Hamiet) 1O wed a suffragette or not—that is the question— Whether 'tis wiser for a man to “ dodge” all Responsibility of the obnoxious creatures Or to take arms against these “ tub- thumpers " And, by marrying, down them? —to bully: What's more, by beating, to say we end This tomfoolery, and the thousand un- natural pranks These females would perpetrate. consummation Devoutly to be wished. bully— To beat! Perchance to be beaten—ay, there’s the rub; For in that domestic fight what retalia- tions may come, When we have lifted up the authorita- tive voice, Must give us pause. There's the spouse That makes calamity of one’s whole life; For who would marry a creature of whims and foibles, An opinionated woman (the proud man’s béte noir), A _usurper of masculine rights; a law disparager, (With sneaking aspirations for office) spurning The patient merits of housewifely duties, When he himself might his comfort take With a simple maiden? Who would ‘suffrage bear, To groan and writhe under petticoat do- minion But that the hope of (regulating the lady) after marriage— That uncertain institution for whose suc- cess No man can vouch—dazzles the will And makes us rather gamble on the ills we might have Than cling to those we know too much of? Thus consequence doth make cowards of us all; And thus our most determined resolu- tions To dominate o'er these creatures—of ad- vaneed thought, And squelch their enterprises of supposed moment, Come to naught—our calculations turn awry, To boss ‘Tis a To boss—to =U BAES Suffragette Contest $300 to the Winner IFE will pay the sum of Three Hundred Dollars for the best reason, or reasons, why any man should not marry a suffragette. Conditions: Each answer must be limited to three hundred words. Manuscripts, however, may be as short as the contestant prefers. Manuscripts must be typewritten, and should be addressed to The Contest Editor of Life, 17 West 31st Street, New York. The contest is now on, end will close on December 31, 1910. Manu- scripts received after that date will not be considered. Lire will pay at its regular rates for all manuscripts published, The prize will be awarded by the Editors of Lirr, and the announce- ment will be made as soon after January 1, 1911, as possible. It is not necessary to be a regular subscriber to Lire in order to com- pete. The contest is open to every one. Manuscripts will not be returned unless accompanied by a stamped and addressed envelope. When they take on the name of a Soft you now, my fellow Renedi in thy selection, BEWARE THE SUFFRAGETTE. S.C.R. XXV Reasons Why Any Man Should Not Marry a Suffragette ECAUSE: It's agin the law. Two he-persons can't be wed. Though she were only a near-he, it would compound a bigamy—since she’s already joined in howly wedlock to the Cause. Her first hubby is also a fool; and three in one house would be a crowd. He likes a Home. He wants children and a mother to them—not an incubator. He would hate to rob Asquith and Bir- rell of Their Share. He had a mother who Wasn't. He gets enough hell down town. He'd sooner cuddle than be Caudled. He has troubles cnough with his equals and prefers to take Sanctuary with a Superior. He invented Chivalry and means it. He knows what would happen to the Other Woman if women legislated for her. He may be her chief Danger, but he is also her only Safety. If they got it, they Could Not Play on it. ‘ He prefers a woman to carry over the mud, not as a fellow wader. Any load is lighter if she be perched on its top, serene and clean and confident. The only time she’s heavy is when she de- scends from his ideal to his level and Tries to Drag Him Up. While issue would be unlikely, there might be—more suffragettes. The “ Not Impossible She" is a better quest than the Totally ditto. A wife is better to laugh With than At. It's bad enough to be curst without being Pankhurst. Drowning is more genteel and sooth- ing. . Also quicker. Likewise, men and brethren, because it’s more fun to marry a Woman. Here are a few reasons why any man should not let a suffragette marry him. But the best reason is: Because He Doesn't Have To. Cuartes F, Lumatis, XXVI An Acrostic Sanguine Ultraistic Fanatical Forensic Riotous Abstruse Girls Egoistic Timidity Temerity Eternal Senseless tyroS bureaU mischieF chafF fervoR datA campaigninG applausE latenT dominanT noisE argumentS. Hersert S. Woops.