Life — December 1, 1910 — page 37: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

4h QSL IFES pia ok 73 Higher Up LL life and all experience will show In every situation that arises, The pleasure that e’er has the warmest glow Must always be the one that tanta- lizes. Upon the topmost bough, as you'll agree, Are ranged the ripest and most tempt- ing peaches; And she who smiles the sweetest’s sure to be The very doll who just beyond our reach is. But dolls and peaches only hang aloft, (Behold the moral of my artless rhym- ing) Blushing and blooming in their beauty soft To tempt ambitious man to do some climbing. Emma H., de Zouche. The Average Man HE average man ariseth in the morning, debateth within himself whether he shall take a bath or not, and decideth not. He arrayeth himself in a dozen difterent garments of varying thickness and uncomfortableness, and descendeth to the breakfast-table, where he hastily devoureth the headlines of the morning paper and a cup of coffee, which he gulpeth down He then draweth from his pocket a cigar, and having the night before firmly resolved never to smoke another before noon he biteth off the end and lighteth it up. He kisseth his wife as he passeth her in the hall and hurryeth off to the nearest transportation system, where he standeth up and readeth the remainder of the headlines. He arriveth at his office and becometh absorbed in his mail. He worketh unti! noon, when he gocth out to a food dispen- sary. Here he meeteth other beings like himself, and they talk between gulps of stock, women, horses horse-racing and politics He smoketh some more and still some more and skippeth back to the office where he grindcth until nightfall, when he proceedeth home. He changeth his clothes to a funcreal black and all the time curseth his luck that his wife hath the power to drag him off to a function. At the dinner they talk about the servants (whispering between the courses), and about the people they will meet, and then proceedeth to the evening’s entertainment, whatever it may be Some nights the man sneaketh off by himself and playeth poker or bridge with his best friends. He tryeth to get their money away from them and when he succcedeth he re- joiceth. At midnight the man retireth, not knowing what he misseth, for he is thoroughly satisfied with himself and his own doings. The only thing that he regretteth is that he may have had to pass his time with his wife's silly acquaintances, when he might smoke and drink with his own. Santa Claus: oH! 1 BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR. I THOUGHT YOU’D GONE HOME LONG Aco, The Average Woman HE average woman slippeth out of bed in the morning and arrayeth herself in an armor that would have put any sixteenth century knight to the blush. She washeth her face and hands, and dabbeth herself with various chemicals, goeth down to the breakfast table, where she skimmeth over the advertisements in the paper, and hastily instructeth the cook what to do, she proceedeth to the scene of her operations whatever it may be. She shoppeth, or she gaddeth, or she gossipeth. At noon she hurryeth back, when she putteth on another garment still more herrible and uncomfortable than the other, and starteth off once again, She mecteth various other women and they discusseth still other women that are not present. She indulgeth herself in all the latest fads, what- ever they may be, during the day. But all the time she thinketh not She chattereth continually, but knoweth not. She displayecth on her person ornaments, and strange and grotesque animals, and carcth not, except to make pression. By and by she windeth up at home where she greeteth her husband and swatheth herself snce again in less but much more highly expensive materials. At midnight she also retireth. She saycth her prayers and blesseth Jehovah that she liveth in an uplifting age. im- THE WAY BASHFUL JIMKINS SAYS HE FEELS DURING A PIVEr MINUTE CONVERSATION WITH THE GIRI. HE ADORES