Life, 1910-04-21 · page 28 of 44
Life — April 21, 1910 — page 28: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This is a humorous lost-dog advertisement written in exaggerated German-accented English ("vone," "vay," "dot"). The joke targets German immigrants' distinctive speech patterns, which were popular comedic fodder in late-19th-century American satire. The dog "Bismarck" (named after the famous German chancellor) is described through absurdist, contradictory details: one-eyed, three-legged, bald, missing half its tail. The advertisement's labyrinthine sentences and malapropisms pile up ridiculousness—the dog "vos almost a dwin" (twin), bears scars from fighting a cat, and responds to "Pow-wow-vow!" The satire mocks both the immigrant accent itself and the earnest, overwrought lost-pet notices common in newspapers. The final touch—offering a $15 C.O.D. reward through Adams's Express—mimics genuine classified ads while the absurd description renders the whole thing nonsensical.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
A Lost Dog (Anonymous) His name vas Bismarck, mit only vone eye, on ac- coundt of a old plack cat vot belongs to an Irish gals mid — red-headed hair. Also he has only dree legs, on oundt of a mocolotif-engines mit out any bull-ketcher He vas a dog, Bismarck vas. He vas balt-headed 1 ofer himself con- sqvence of red hot vater, on accoundt of fighting mid an old maidt’s eat. On vone endt of himself vas skituated his head—und his tail it vas py de oder endt. He only carries about vone- half of his tail mit him, on ‘coundt of a circular womill, He looks a good deal more older as he is already, but he ain't qvite so oldt as dot until de next Christmas. De vay vot you can know him is, if you calls him “Shack” he von't say notings, but makes answers to de name “Bismarck” by saying * Pow-wow- vow!" und, in de meantime, vagging half of ail—dot oder half vas cut off—so he can't. of course, shake it Also, if you t'row some stones on top of him he vill run like mat und holler “Ky-yi ky-yif” Dot's de vay you can told my dog He looks lik a cross petveen a bull foundlandt und a cat-mit-nine-tails— but he ‘t. He got not efen von whole tail, und he ain't cross not von f been eferyvheres looking for Ven Tam in Canada de last a pig loafermans comes up to me und says “Do you know | know you?” “No, you don't. Do I know you? If I know you, tell me vonce who I vas.” “You yas Mr. Ross,” says he you vas looking for your Icetle ley.” “No, sir; [va “und I vas Bismarck.” I vill pay eferyvone vot vill brought me dot tog or send him pack, fifteen s. CO.D. py Adams's” Express office, mit a money order und de prifi- lege of examination before taking, to see if it vas maype counterfeit Anoder vay vot you could told if it vas Bismarek is dot he vos almost a dwin, He would be half of a bair of dwins dot time, only dere vas dree of dem—a bair of dwins und a half Also he got sears on de top of his side, vhere he scratched himself mit a Thomas cat—but_ dot Thomas cat nefer recovered himself, You can also tell Bismarck on ac- coundt of his wonderful inshtinet. He Von Boyle.” says 1, looking for my leetle ~LIFE- Evolution of the Piano ACCORDING TO PARWLN —From the German, 1 can out-inshtinet any tog vot you nefer saw in my life. For inshtinet, if you pat him on top of his head mit your hand he knows right avay dot you like him, but if vou pat him on de head mit a pavement stones or de shtick of a proom, den he vill suspect right off dot you care not fery much about him, -IVilliclm Von Boyle, City Washington. Some one having thrown water over Archelaus, his friends tried to. exas- perate him against the man. “Tt was not I,” said the king, “ whom he threw water at, but the person he supposed I was,” Plutarch The Chemist to His Love I Love thee, Mary, and thou Ik me— Our mutual flame is like th’ That doth exist between twe bodies ; [am Potassium to thine Oxygen ‘Tis little that the holly marr: Shall shortly make us ¢ That ur Is, after all, but metaphysical. Oh, would that I, my Mary, were acid, A livin 1; thou an alkali Endowed with human brought together, We both might coalesce into One homogencous crystal. Oh thou Carbon and drogen; We would unite to form olehant Or common coal or naphtha Heaven That I were Phosphorus and thou were Lime! And we of Lime composed a phuret I'd be content to be Sulphuric So that might be We should be ( thou Magnesia Instead, we'd form that’s named ire Epsom. Couldst- thou fortis, happy. union pound form, Nitrate of Potash—otherwise Sal) petre And thus our several natures sweetly blent, We'd live and death Should decompose that fleshly tertinm quid, Leaving our souls to Amalgamated. Sriggs And mine is should not We agree to form a Johnsonate of Brij ? We will! nigh, Johnson. shall Briggs combine —A Classic from Punch Sayings About Wemen Francis 1, of France. was the first monarch who introdu lies at his court. He said, in a style of true gal- lantry, “that a drawing-room w mut ladies was like the year without the spring; or, rather, like the spring with- out flowers.” sense, th: Wert myself were woul: Acid Soda; in that ¢ ber’s Salt \ Potassia be, Our should that cor love together, until eternity Sweet, thy name is Johnson. Wherefore The day, the happy day is When with beauteous At no time of life up to the thoughts 0 Lord an give enjoying the so- “In youth,” says “women are our mis- tresses, at a riper age our companions. und in old age our nurses, and in all ses our friends.” women Bacon, comicbooks.com