Life — February 10, 1910 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LIFE: The Metamorphosis of Love S there a speech so asinine As “Let me be your valentine?” One sees this very silly phrase Even in these enlightened days. I'd rather be a cocakatoo, A rat, a cow, a kangaroo, A bird, a cow, a porcupine, Than be a maiden’s valentine! If you for just a moment think Of being, say, a Cupid pink, A bow of ribbon, filmy lace, Which, as a rule, these fancies grace, And, worst of all, to be that crime, A bit of maudlin loving rhyme! Now where in goodness’ name's the bliss Of such a metamorphosis? La Touche Hancock. A Modern Dilemma DVANCES have been made in everything except re- ligion and the formula for proposing. Soon we shall all be flying, and know all the germs by name, so that when we call them they will come and fced out of the hand But to find any new words to tell a very old story is, ap- parently, an impossibility. It would not matter much, possibly, if young girls were not so keenly alive to the situation, But they read all the latest novels and they are pretty likely to know what is coming. What is the use of strolling into the con- servatory under a potted palm and starting to hold her fluttering hand in yours, to the tune of the “Merry Widow Waltz,’ when the whole thing is down in one of Chambers’ books? Then, again, the vocabulary is limited. You can’t ask a girl to marry you in many more ways than the following: “ Darling, I love you.’ “Will you be mine?" “Only tell me that you do not love another.”” You can, should you think best, throw yourself frankly on the mercy of the girl, and announce beforehand the author in whose language you intend to propose. If she is a swect girl graduate and has been studying Kant and Spenser, you can say “Darling, I feel within me the stern voice of the cata gorical imperative. Will you be my phenomena of existence? Can I walk with you intuitively as well as imperially? "” Or you can tempt her with a rendition a la Jacobs’ sea stories: “Darling, I have laid to in the offing long enough. Shall we henceforth sail together with a light ten-knot breeze over the quarter into the Southern Ocean while you take your trick at the wheel? Oh, say that henceforth I can be your first mate!” Or, in the language of Lloyd Osborne’s auto tales: Darling! Henceforth may our engines beat as one. You shall be my carbureter, and I will be your differential. No limousine shall G/ part us if you will only explode the word, and rT I promise you that for life I will be muffled down.”” et nc Henry James is, perhaps, too common: Fe , “Darling—that is to say dearest—something Aw: eer 35 subtle, intuitive, evanescent, tells me that you— may I, indefinably yet unutterably, be permitted But these, after all, only show to what straits lovers may be driven. We await some hitherto unknown genius who will invent new terms— some one who can give us the cue really to mystify, surprise and to charm the sophisticated maiden of this blasé to-day. Similes for Suitors (Dedicated to those who wish to give adequate expression to their sentiments) N your presence my heart beats as lively as the bass drum- mer in a circus band. Your hair gleans in the sunlight like the upturned bottom of a copper kettle. Your lips are as red as the printing on a circus poster. Your voice is as soft as the step of a burglar. Your tceth are whiter than newly placed marble tomb- stones. Your words are more winning than those of a patent medicine advertisement. You are dearer to me than an afternoon off when the home team wins Vance C. Criss. My System TRY to teach Aurclia The Art of Song To mark each cadence rightly I kiss her—quite politely— And Art is long. My system is a clever thing, But she will never learn to sing. I try to teach Aurelia The stars to call. To mark cach one exactly I kiss her—quite abstractly— I've named them all. My system is correct, but she Will never learn astronomy. I wonder what Aurelia Has learned from me. I've lately felt a knowledge I didn't get in college With my degree, And sometimes have the startling thought : Is this a case of teacher taught? D. K. Stevens. IRST ENGLISHWOMAN: You were away from home all last month, weren't Exctisnwoman : Yes. First Exciisuwomay : Sanitarium, Winter ° Resort or Prison? comicbooks.com ‘ecu