Life — August 5, 1909 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

170 to the Authors Clubs of ancient Greece as The Advance Agent of Prosperity and the God of Wealth. Head of the Cimmerian Coal Trust and first promoter of the original copper boom. Among his various other enterprises he did a large busi- ness in shades, and financed the Stygian Trans- portation Company, which held for many years a monopoly of the ferry interests between Greater Olympus and the suburbs of Gehenna, Tartaros and Vitriolhurst-by-the-Sea before the Subway Slide connecting the city with these outlying dis- tricts was constructed. Acted as Police Magis- trate on the Tartarean Bench for several terms, with no Court of Appeals in sight. Frequent win- ner of the Blue Ribbon at the Stygian Dog Show with his famous three-headed terrier Cerberus, specially bred to guard the gates of Erebus, to wel- come strangers and to prevent disgruntled pur- chasers of corner lots in Hades from using their return tickets. Married suddenly, and without ceremony of any kind, to Persephone, his step- niece several times removed, daughter of Ceres, or Demeter, his half-sister by his step-mother’s first husband, thereby becoming his own uncle by arriage. Married life not happy, his step-mother- in-law suing for a divorce and securing a decree of commutation whereby the bride lived at home for cight months of the year, but remained with her husband during the opera season, the ac- knowledged leader of the cream of Tartar So- ciety. Was the father of the Plutocratic Party, known as the G. O. P. of Hades, and was regarded as the logical candidate thereof for the Presi- dency of the Olympian Republic in case the Zeus- velt Administration ever relinquished its control, which it never did. As ruler of the Olympian Tenderloin was a complete success, and made bribery of his subordinates impossible by confis- cating himself all the available possessions of his subjects wherever found. Author of “Ten Nights in the Bottomless Pit," “How to Become a Plu- tocrat on Ten Dollars a Week, or the Confession of One of the Men Higher Up,"’ “The Tender- loin of the Gods,’ and “Three Weeks—in Hades.” Recreations: Coin collecting, body- snatching and playing on the horn of plenty. Ad- dress, Darktown-on-the-Styx (callers in person should beware of the dog.) Cable oddress, Dis, Hades. A Reckless Moment E of the soldiers at Fort Washington on the Potomac was recently given leave of absence the morning after pay day. When leave expired he didn’t appear. The papers re- corded, however, that he had been very busy, the range of his activities being comprehended under the title of “ Plain Drunk.” He was brought at last before the com- mandant for sentence, and the following dia- logue is recorded : “Well, Murphy, you look as if you had had a severe engagement.” “Yes, sur.” “Have you any money left?” “No, sur.” “You had thirty-five dollars when you left the Fort, didn’t you?” “Yes, sur.” oo) Ua ids A Dangerous Trade “What did you do with it?” “Well, sur, I was walking along and I met a friend, and we went into a place and spint eight dollars. Thin we come out and I met another friend and we spint eight dollars more, and thin I come out and we met a friend and we spint eight dollars more, and thin we come out and we met another bunch of friends and I spint eight dollars more—and thin I comes home.” “But, Murphy, that makes only thirty-two dollars. What did you do with the other three dollars?” Murphy thought. Then he shook his head slowly and said: “T dunno, Colonel. I reckon I must have squandered that money foolishly.” comicbooks.com