Life — July 22, 1909 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ol Ca bel il ci Who's Who on Olympus By Joux Kexpaice Banos ‘ulcan.—Andrew Haphaestus, president Olympus and Hades Steel Trust, son of George W. Jupiter and his wife, Juno. Born crooked and thrown head first out of Olym- pus during one of the reform waves to which his father was addicted. Landed in Lemnos, breaking one leg and the inter- terrestrial record for the distance, and without a cent in his pocket. Originated the expression, in speaking of his father, “He handed me a Lemnos,”’ since corrupted into “ He handed me a lemon.’ Opened a blacksmith shop at Lemnos, and secured government contract to manufacture thunderbolt used by the Administration, as well as all armor-plate required by the Army and Navy. Survived scandal following discovery of blowholes in the armor of Achilles, and married Venus, at that time a successful star on the Olympian stage. In pullin; his broken leg into shape learned fundamental principle of VULCAN successful financiering, and in subsequent experiments upon the limbs of others amassed considerable fortune, by judicious use of which he acquired a monopoly of the steel and iron product of the mines of Lucifer and others. This monopoly he sold to minor gods and earth people at cost (to them), complete, retaining a first mortgage on the property for five times its appraised value, winning thereby the title of Philan- thropist, and as such is worshiped by many persons to this day. Employed many servants called Cyclops, creatures with MEKCURY only one eye, which they faithfully kept on the main chance on his behalf. These, tradition asserts, were miners who de- scended into the deep recessesjof the earth in quest of raw material for the Vulcan plants,\wearing lamps tn the middle of their foreheads, giving them the appearance in the distance of suffering from an epidemic of red-eye. Author of “ Forging Ahead,’ rom the Bellows to the Check-Book, or Sixty Ways of Raising the Wind,’ “ Irons I Have Had in the Fir and many other philosophical works connected with his busi ness. Address, Thunderbolt Hall, Goldfield, Lemnos. ‘ercury.—Jobn D., head bell-boy Waldorf-Olympia Hotels Company. President Parnassus District. Messenger Company, and Private Secretary to Jupiter. Son of the latter and his provisional wife Maia, daughter of Professor Atlas, of the Olympian Geographical College. First Skyscraper mentioned in history, wearing aeroshoe and a specially pre- pared motor-derby hat which enabled him to fly to otherwise impossible heights, carrying messages to all parts of the imperial domains. Inventor of letters and oratory, two of the most dangerous explosives then or since known, and through certain youthful indiscretions became the patron of Commerce and Thieves, Also invented weights and measures, much used in both these branches of human endeavor. While yet an infant stole the tools of Vulcan, the girdle of Venus and the scepter of Jupiter, but was caught with the goods on while attempting to get away also with the thunderbolts of Jove, the comicbooks.com