Life, 1909-06-03 · page 18 of 56
Life — June 3, 1909 — page 18: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page presents humorous Victorian-era etiquette advice for children, written by Harry Graham. The content satirizes rigid, stuffy social rules through exaggerated "do's and don'ts"—never knock, avoid wet boots in father's study, don't ask about Uncle Moses's artificial nose, sock Aunt Lizzie's wig in whisky. The accompanying cartoon "A Matrimonial Dream" (bottom) shows a wedding scene, likely illustrating the absurd consequences of poor childhood manners. The "Point of View" dialogue above mocks rural simplicity: a country visitor finds New York City "too darn lonesome," suggesting cultural disconnection between urban and rural America. Graham's poem "Departmental Ditties" contrasts an intellectually brilliant but socially rejected cousin with an intellectually vapid uncle accepted into high society—satirizing how actual social acceptance depends on wealth and connections, not merit or intelligence. The overall message gently ridicules both strict etiquette culture and society's arbitrary social standards.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Childhood To establish « foundation Of authentic information On the subject of behavior in the nursery, Little children of all ages Should accord these priceless pages, ing but cursory. Here's a vintage undiluted Of advice and admonition A perusal that is anyt Which is eminently suited To both pauper and patrician. Learn, my readers, to keep quict, To refrain from noise and riot; Treat your elders and your betters with civilit When your boots are wet and muddy Don't invade your father's study, And arouse him from the slumbers of senility. (An incorrigible slatterr. Is the urchin who imprints his ttern Of the brand-new bougsir chintzes!) Dirty foatprints on the Ev'ry infant should endeavor To be rather good than ¢ With a charming and unselfish person- ality; To remember that politeness, Js more popular than brightness, pleasing And intelligence less morality. For the world distrusts and hates you known as If you're what is “ brainy,” But a welcome warm awaits you If you chance to be a zan! THE POINT OF VIEW Mr. Cityman: ver Go To NEW YoRK CITY? Mr, Wayout ; oNCe—THE PLACE 1S TOO DARN LONESOME FER ME. Deportmental Ditties BY HARRY GRAHAM I've an uncle, stout and jolly, Who's completely “ off his trolley ’— As for intellect or brains, he hasn't got any; But he yachts, and bets, and races, Goes to “ Monte,”’ and such places, And he drinks a bit to vary the monot- ony. To the smartest country houses He obtains immediate entry, Where in comfort he carouses With nobility and gentry; While my cousin in the city, Who is wonderfully witty, His accomplishments and “parlor tricks’? are numerous— He can sing and play the fiddle, Solve acrostics, ask a riddle, And do other things, if possible, more humorous— Has been brutally ejected From Society's dominions, Just because he is suspected Of polygamous opinions ! Be considerate of others, Of your sisters and your brothers, Do not balance loaded sponges on the door for them: . With your playmates never grapple To secure the largest appl If you get it always treasure up the core for them Keep your hands a trifle cleaner, And your finger-nails unbitten, And affect the meek demeanor Of an unassuming kitten. than A MATRIMONIAL DREAM Never enter without knocking, ‘ever wear a drooping stocking, Never greet your parents’ counsel with hilarity ; Never mingle cake and butter, Never dabble in the gutter, Nor do anything that savors of vul- garity. ‘Tis unseemly for a bantling To make tactless observations Which may send the blushes mantling O’er the cheeks of his relations. Never ask your Uncle Moses If the color of his nose is Artificial, manufactured, or inherited. When your elderly Aunt Lizzic Is unusually. busy Do not badger her with booby-traps un- merited (If you soak her wig in whisky ‘Twill ensure her feeling flustered, But to make her really frisky - You should fill her boots with mus- tard.) Hold your tongues, if you are able, More especially at table, Which is not the place for juvenile lo- quacity. Grown-up folks are “kittle cattle,” And they tire of childish prattle Unredeemed by any symptoms of sa- gacity. If it lies ‘twixt you and father To provide your guests with chatter Please remember they would rather That you left it to the latter! comicbooks.com