Life — April 1, 1909 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

442 An April Fool MERRY maid on April day A little joke essayed to play; A handsome youth, it would appear, Was sitting very, very near. With quite malicious glee this Miss Prepared to pucker for a kiss, But when the youth the cup would quaff, ~LIFE.: She tripped away with mocking laugh. "Not so, my pretty one," said he, “T rather think that you'll kiss me; "* And suiting act to word right then He kissed her good—(fie! fie! men!) And said— My dear, observe this rule: Don’t ever tempt an April fool.’ Lulu Judson Moody, these Correspondence School for Husbands UR patrons should remember that the only sure way to a lasting peace is to subscribe at once to our full course of instruction. This entitles the student to a copy of our Husband's Manual, a set of our weekly bulletins and a subscription to our magazine, The Down Trodden. It is only by subscrib- ing that you can be initiated, for while, in these columns we aim to help hus. bands generally, we cannot of course undertake to give away our business. More important than this is, however, the faet that if we made public our sys- tem wives would of course see it, and its effect would be largely neutralized. vertheless, we are prepared to give a limited amount of advice to outsiders. Here are a few correspondents briefly answered : Thave been married six months. My wife complains that T'do not kiss her good-by each morning, oF on my return in the evening, with the same enthusiasm that I formerly displayed. Can you suggest any way in which I can square myself?—Troubled. This illustrates perfectly the funda- mental defect in many husbands. They expect to avoid trouble by shirking. Now the great success of our system is that we look at the matter from the broad standpoint of the whole lifetime. We give you a little trouble at first, but it pays in the long run, The gradual relinquishment of the first passionate en- thusiasm is in reality perfectly normal. It always happens. How then do we anticipate it, how do we prevent it? Very simply. By careful study we have ascertained that there are sixty-four ways of kissing your wife fervently, each one slightly different from the other. Now, by a little practice, every husband can learn these sixty-four ways and can get so that he performs them reflexively, without the slightest wear and tear. By starting in at one end of the line it will take him two months before he gets to the other; so that his wife will not re- member that he is repeating himself. Indeed, she will be constantly delighted at the apparent originality and fresh- zness of his attitude. Number one, for IV. example, is the hearty hug (throwing both arms effusively around wife's neck). Number two is the gentle pat on cheek (wonderfully effective, because it car- $a quiet appeal). Number three, is the stealing silently up behind snd sur- prising wife sa winner, as it im- plies some previous thought). Number four, is the repeated kiss (great for its dramatic effect), and so on down the line. After you have learned the list and the habit, what would otherwise be a source of contention all the rest of your life is established on a business basis. Send for booklet giving complete instructions. Price one dollar; postage, 12 cents extra. My wife is an enthusiastic gardener, and gvery night during the summer months, after 1 have come home tired out with the day's work, she expects me to get out the hose from’ the stable, drag it up and down the paths, and water the garden. I can't spend all of my time praying for rain, and if 1 re- fuse, the ‘usual consequences” ensue—IWer Rag. By “ usual consequences "’ we presume that our friend means that his wife ae- cuses him of not being in sympathy with him, and makes his life miserable with reproaches. We are very glad indeed to repro- duce this letter, because its answer will reveal better than anything else the ex- traordinary completeness of our system. This after-dinner-hose-garden-watering Proposition bothered us for some time. There seemed no way out of it. At last, however, we succeeded in making arrangements with the Agricultural De- partment at Washington. By forward- ing us one dollar, we will send you a card which if you send it on to Wash- ington will bring you in return an au- thoritative statement from the Secretary of Agriculture stating that nothing is so bad for a garden as to have one’s hus- band water it promiscuously with a hose. This will convince your wife nine times out of ten. If not, let us know, and we will give you a further remedy. We are glad to be able to make the announcement this weck that the Na- tional Husbands’ Conference is now an assured fact. Local chapters have been forming all over the country, and dele- gates are writing on for their badges. The date of the conference has not yet been set, but it will probably be early in May. It will be held in New York City, and for this purpose the Mills Hotel and Madison Square Garden have been chartered. We aust caution our customers, how- ever, against too much enthusiasm. Only the other day we received an in- flammatory pamphlet from Kansas, which, if generally promulgated, may do much harm. Remember, brethren, we must go slow. We must not antagonize the fe- male element. A great silent movement is more to our purpose. A few extracts from this pamphlet will show how mis- guided it is. MusBANps! The time has come for action! Shall we tamely submit any longer to the yoke? Every woman's club, every suffragette meeting testifies to our weakness. Every bargain counter reveals the tact that we are slaves. Let us assert ourselves. Down with bridge playing! Down with millinery! Our homes are being filled with arts and crafts furniture. We have no time to improve our- selves, because we are too busy making money buying limosine bodies for wet weather calls; whereas the women are “swure! ut’s FAT O1’M GiTTIN’ ’?