Life — April 1, 1909 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

440 The Undoing of Phoebus Apollo T was always thought that Phabus Apollo was a gentleman, But re- cently, while riding down the celestial way with Pallas Athenx, a feather from her hat poked him in the eye, and he stormed at her in such an inex- cusable manner that he was exiled to America for the space of one month. Pherbus Apollo had very few clothes on when he arrived. His figure, how- ever, attracted so much attention that he was taken in hand immediately by the tailors’ organization. Such a model had not been seen for a long time. You must dress just as the men here dress,"’ said the president of the organization. “ No expense, I assure you. Just consider yourself lucky that someone didn’t grab you for a sandwich man. In which case you would have had to walk down Broadway between two boards.”” “What do you propose to do with me?" asked Phebus Apollo. “Have I got to look like you?" “That is precisely the intention. “By Posiedon! How the race has degenerated! Let me appeal at once to Olympus. Pecause I have been rude to a lady inadvertently is no reason why I should sufier like this. LENT 1S OVER SPRING HAS Nonsense! Step this way.’* He was led into a large room where all of his clothes were waiting for him. In the meantime, Pallas Athenx, who had disguised herself a a chorus girl, was jecring at him from a window. “You will poke fun at me!’? she exclaimed. “You just wait and see how it feels !”” Pha-bus Apollo looked at the outfit and groaned. Explain it all to me,’” he asked. Certainly. First. you put on a suit of underwear that envelopes your body like a fish net. On your legs you bind a pair of garters to keep up your hose, over which you wear a pair of these tight patent-leather shoes. You then envelop your legs— come!” those beautiful legs—in a pair of trousers, which make all legs look alike, suspended from your shoulders by these elastic straps. Before putting them on, however, you must slip this shirt on. The bosom is stiff, and you won't like it at first, but with patience and resignation you will gradually accustom yourself to it. Before putting it on, however, you must fit it out with a complete set of these studs and sleeve buttons. Now comes your waistcoat, which is buttoned firmly around your waist. But first let me help you put this collar on."” Phebus Apollo groaned, while Pallas Athenz, on the out- side, giggled with glee. “Must I do this?" he cried. “Dear me, yes. Why, you wouldn't be accepted any- where—even at a meeting of the rankest socialists—without some semblance of a collar.”” But it binds my neck. It is a fearful feelin “You will get used to it. And here is the cravat, Pull it tight, and knot it well, and let the ends hang down over your stomach. Now for your coat.”* Tam very warm and uncomfortable. I never felt worse. “You will be all right. Here is your hat. Observe there are two."" “To put on my head?” “ Certainly.” “But they constrict my forehead. And what is that long, black, shiny thing that sticks up in the air?’" “That is what we term a tile. You must wear that every afternoon. “And what are all these places for? “Pockets. Every gentleman has fron fourteen to seventeen pockets in every suit He carries keys, matches, knives, pencils, pens, cigars, handkerchiefs, cards, and——" Phebus Apollo, now become a wretched, nervous being, gazed abjectly at his patron. “What must I do when I get these things on?” he whispered. “You must strut up and down, swinging in your hand a long wooden stick. You must light a cigar and puff it in other peo- ple’s faces. On your hands you must al- ways have gloves, and your overcoats must be worn over what you now have on. In the evening you change entirely your whole “SEEMS GooD To ME’”