Life — June 4, 1908 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

vRsES The Honeymoon T SEEMS strange, considering all the honeymoon experts there are, that no one has yet volunteered to give a few simple directions as to the manner in which a honeymoon should be conducted. Let us do this at once, in order that all those going on honeymoons may reap the benefit. ‘After securing what in your opinion is a desirable per- son to take on a honeymoon, go at once to your bank and make as large a loan as possible. Remember, there are two kinds of loans—call and time. A call loan is one which is likely to be called when you least expect it. Avoid, therefore, any appearance of a call loan on your honeymoon. When you are sitting with your loved one under Niagara Falls, holding hands under your rubber overcoat$ and having your throats sprayed while you gaze through the fog at trusty eyes upturned to your own, it is extremely annoying to have atank messen- ger tap you on the shoulder and tell you that all is over. Make a time loan, therefore, and make it as long as possi- ble. Have it cover not only the period of your honey- moon, but the rest of your married life as well. This will save you the trouble of renewing it from time to time. ‘The next point to consider is the place, or places, you will visit on your honeymoon, and should be arranged in the following manner: Make out a list of all the possible places to visit. Do this alone, unaided and in secret. SSSA SMXQ ag For this is an important matter, and your judgment needs to be clear. When you have finally sclected the exact spot to visit, break the news to your companion and arrange at once to goto the place selected by her family and her- self, at the same time doubling the amount of your loan. Rapidly but unostentatiously leaving the hired hack at the railroad station and shaking the rice out of your clothes, you should at once conduct your bride to her seat in the parlor car in full view of all the passengers. You will then begin at once to pass her water from the tank in front. Every bridegroom passes his loved one a glass of water from the tank at Ieast every fifteen minutes during the first round. Do not smoke for the first week. Noman can dohis best work with a cigar in his mouth. Besides, it is a waste of good tobacco. Arriving at the hotel you have corresponded with, take the clerk aside confidentially and tell him your secret. He will appear surprised and embarrassed, but do not let this discon- cert you. Ask him frankly for the bridal suite. When he informs you that this has already been arranged for, do not reproach him with deceit. Remember that he has only done this to spare your feclings. Adopt a frank, hearty, bluff manner toward your bride in the presence of others. Always bear in mind that you did not originate the honeymoon idea, and that no blame. for your actions should be attached to you. ‘This thought should sustain you at all times. Hold her hand freely, call her the usual names, and in general act as if you didn’t realize that you couldn't get away from her in a lifetime. No matter where you go, always buy your return tickets. back home without cabling your father-in-law. To cable your father-in-law on your honeymoon is extremely bad form. cap you later, when you really need the money. This will insure your getting It may handi- Noise OISE, at first cultivated in this land by the Indians, has reached its climax in the college yell. It is used at political conventions, at christenings and at women’s clubs. No monument was necessary for the man who fizst invented noise, His work lives after him, Noise is used by cities, which have the first call for it. ‘They split it up into as many as possible and divide it among all. varies in its volume and intensity, from embryonic and immature sawmill to a baby crying in the night. “Isn’T HE THE PUFFED-UP THING?” “YES, ALL HIS FAMILY ARE THAT WAY.” How to Make an Excursion Boat ET a pot of paint, some pine boards and an abandoned engine. Alsoa keg of spikes and two smokestacks large enough to hold a red emblem. Put your boat together very carefully, seeing that all the picces fit onto the keel. After it is all ready shake it lightly to see it doesn’t fall apart. Then place it gracefully on the surface of the bay. It is quite possible that it may leak at first. If so, fill the cracks with laundry soap. Now for the fittings. Put a couple of cheval glasses in your cabin and a tooth- brushattached toa chain in the wash-room. Buy at auction some life-preserver coats and fill them with breakfast foods. In case of accidents you are thus providing the pas- sengers with nourishment. After you have selected your captain and crew, secure permission from the proper authorities to run the boat loaded to the guards with women and children. This can easily be done—provided you have the nec essary cash. OTTO for a distillery: It's never too late to blend. comicbooks.com