Life — March 12, 1908 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE Happiness by Compulsion HE powers who dwell in Albany are working, so they say, To fix the laws of marriage in a rather drastic way. If wives and husbands go to court to raise domestic wail The plaintiff is rewarded—the defendant goes to jail. ‘This law makes separation A criminal relation And brings the naughty felons due remorse. ‘The pairs who fight and wrangle Must avoid a legal tangle. By law they are harmonious, of course— And no divorce. They say the Pope has taken from the pairs that separate The papal dispensation which he gave to some of late. ‘The Church declares that couples who are married and divide (Whatever comes between them) future hope shall be denied. However false their union, Deny to them communion Should they beseech release from any source. Though couples hate profoundly, And beat each other roundly, The Church insures their happiness, of course— And no divorce. And yet the law continues at the same unstinted rate To give unquestioned licenses to pairs who rashly mate; ‘The Church makes no objection, draws the knot and calls it right When Evil marries Virtue and John Black weds Lily White. Although they should be cooing Till Judgment Day, and wooing, It’s queer that they should scold till they are hoarse. They shouldn't be sarcastic, For words ecclesiastic Have coupled them till death do part, of course— And no divorce. For marriage is peculiar, as the modern prophets tell; Some have their birth in heaven, others are conspired in hell. When marriage is successful, law and church hold not its fanes; When marriage is a failure, shall it rot among its chains? With man and wife contented There’s not a law invented Can make the couple happier, of course. Whom Satan draws asunder, Estranged for life—I wonder, Can man-made rules their happiness enforce By “No Divorce?” Wallace Irwin, We Breathe More Easily Now that Captain Van Shaick, of the ill-fated excursion boat, General Slocum, has been finally sentenced to ten years in prison the world heaves a prodigious sigh of intense relief. From now on, or at least for ten years, one may go upon an excursion with absolute impunity, knowing that the boat has been duly inspected, is not overcrowded and is in the hands of a competent and trustworthy captain. One will know, more- over, that the life-preservers are not made out of sponges, crowbars or brickbats. We are certainly living in an age of progress. If some one would only take up the trust question with the He: TAKE ME ALONG WITH YOU DURING LENT OR I WON'T PLAY WITH YOU ANY MORE same spirit of equity and hang Morgan’s office boy or string up Rockefeller’s gardener by the thumbs, it is difficult to see what more there would be to do, unless it might be deemed advisable to electrocute one or two scene-shifters in some theatre which has not sufficient fire-escapes. Ellis O. Jones. Solicitous HOST: Have you seen the wedding gifts, old man? Guest: No, not yet. “Well, wait a moment. I'll get one of the detectives to escort you through.” “BREGARDS of me and my people,” cables our gallant Colonel-President to the Peruvian Executive. Whereat Uncle Sam grins, the malefactors snort, and Colonel Bryan makes an entry in his note-book about Presidential etiquette. comicbooks.com