Life — October 3, 1907 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“EE * Who Would Make the Worst President—and Why ? No. 12 ARK TWAIN. Because he would turn the White House into a house of mirth and the balconies of Congress. into laughing galleries. He would entertain both the Prince and the Pauper as “royalty” and prob- ably ship the Innocents Abroad He would make Mrs. Ei S y of the Department of Science and Health and there would be spirit rappings in the cabinet. He would hold cabinet meetings in the state bedchamber (formerly the East Room) and unfinished business would be laid on the bed. He would recall foreign ‘‘ministers” and substitute jokers with instructions to invariably copper a King or Queen, or at least “ Bridg On every state paper he would have a rubber stamp bearing the words: “This is the only complete and authorized copy of my signature.” Lire would become a daily, owing to the abnormal increase in hilarious ‘‘ Notes from Washington.” A new State, the State of Coma, would be admitted to the Union, brought about by excessive laughing over the Annual Message. sEORGE E. Hat. No. 13. R. ROOT is obviously the unjittest man in sight. He is the unfortunate possessor of a brilliant intellect, which, in the light of history, disqualifies him before he can get his nose over the barrier. Furthermore, he is said to entertain an absurd regard for that pathetic and ante- diluvian hulk of statecra‘t, the Constitu- tion. He is devoid of Socialistic tendencie: and has been accused of conservatism. Mr. Root is without theories regarding the nurture of infant children, has never attended a mothcrs’ meeting, and is op- posed to the capital punishment of na ture fakers. He has evinced no surprise over the re- discovery of the Ten Commandments, and has shaken hands with E. H. Harri- man. He leads an efficient and strenuous life, but does not buttonhole every passing citizen and tell him about it. Mr. Root doesn’t know an Irish Saga from a mollycoddle, and is said to do one thing at a time and do it through. He actually entertains respect for the Federal judiciary and has never confused his iden- tity with that of the Deity. He will not play to the galleries or slap the agricultural voter on the back and it is doubtful if he would remember to shake hands with the fireman and engineer. His name is not susceptible of attractive diminution, no one but Mr. Dooley hav- ing thus far had the nerve to tamper with its ecclesiastical crudity. Conrad MILLIKEN. No. 14 Potspama, den raten Sept., 1927. ERR REDAKTEUR DES ‘ BEN,” New York, U. S. Geehrter Herr—Ich denke dass Herr Theodor Roosevelt’ den schlechsten Prasident der Vereinigten Staaten ma- chen wiirde. s kann nicht zwei wie uns leben. Zu viel ist ungesund. Mich und Gott, und nicht Mich, Theo- dor, und Gott. Hochachtungsvoll, WILHELM HOHENZOLLERN. Karl E. Coghlan. THE BELGIAN HAIR No. 15 Given cight or more Presidential candi- dates, find the worst President*and the reason why. T the worst President and the reason why be represented by x and y, re- spectively. Let the given candidates be T, H, B, F, K, BT & ROR where T=Teddy, H= Hughes, B= Bryan, F= Fairbanks, K= Knox, BT = “Bill” Taft, and ROR= Roosevelt or Root. Let A Anyone Else. Then by observation we have: BT=ROR+H or, —3x+yx+B Also, by hypothesis: H—(T&B) + 4x—y=KAEF=FAKE or, 4x—y+H=FAKE+TB (2) Solving (1) & (2) simultaneously: —3x+y+BT=ROR+H yt H x+BT+H-ROR+H + FAKE+TB(3) Subtracting H+ BT from each mem- ber of (:)—since BT=7B by identity— we have x=ROR+FAKE which, when simplified, reduces to: ‘ORAKER Which proves that Foraker would be the worst President. y may be similarly obtained from equations (1) & (2) by eliminating x and applying the condition for equal roots. The result will be y= BORE. Granam Haw ey. No. 16 RESIDENT ELIOT, of Harvard, would make the worst President of the United States. He has never shot a bear, called a man a liar, or fought a Spaniard. He is an opponent of football, friend of the mollycoddle, and believes that education is mightier than the Big Stick. He has no expressed opinions on race suicide, spells in the old fashioned way, and generally minds his own busi- ness. Finally, he doesn’t know the differ- ence between a nature faker and any other undesirable citizen. Appison B. ScuusTEr. comicbooks.com