Life — September 12, 1907 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SEGRE * Who Would Make the Worst President—and Why? $50 in Cash Will Be Given for the Cleverest Answer to the Above Question _ 'O ANSWER should exceed 200 words. Fach contestant may send in as many answers as he or she desires. Lire will publish, as soon as possible, after they are received, those answers which in the opinion of the Editors are worthy of publication. All answers must be received on or before Septem: ber 16th, 1907; the answer which in the judgment of the Editors is the best will be awarded the prize. All manuscripts must be typewritten on one side of paper. be plainly written oa each raanuscript All manuscripts should he addressed to the Contest Editor of Lire, 17 West sist St, New York Manuscripts should be accompanied by a stamped and addressed envelope, in case the author desires their return. hhe contestant’s name and address should No. 5 F MR. FAIRBANKS, the man who has been “iced” for the trip to the White House by the Armours, the Ice Trust and the other Eleemosynary In- stitutions, is elected President, he will certainly be awarded the crabapple as the worst ever. The Glacial Period of pre- historic times would then have a rival. The White House will be glaciated into an ice-house, near which a smile or any outburst of mirth will send one into cold storage, where the victim can cool off with a volume of Fairbanks’s speeches and become eligible for the Indiana Order of Frozen Faces. Teddybears will be cast aside and polar bears will come into popularity and become the ‘Best Sellers.” The heavy thud of the Big Stick will be heard no more, but instead the ice- pick will swing at the behest of John D. and his affiliated friends. Because of the coldness and frigidness of the atmosphere at Washington, the Government will be compelled to main- tain a herd of reindeer to take those suffering from Fairbanksitis to the North Pole, to thaw out on a dict of real butter- milk and liquefied air. No. 6 Ds LIF In reply to your inquiry, permit me to say that I am a firm disbeliever in government ownership of railways, and am, therefore, satisfied that Edward Henry Harriman would make the worst President of the United States. For those who believein the ownership of the railways by the Government, the election of Harriman is the solution of the problem, for in such an event the Government would own Harriman, and Harriman would soon own all the rail ways not at present controlled by him. If you send check for prize prior to the publication of this letter, please make same payable to my order; if subsequent to publication, draw to order of my estate. Apotpa Epwarps. ONE DAY A YOUNG MAN FROM DULUTH HAD A DEUCE OF A PAIN IN IIIS TOOTH. HE WAS TOLD TO TAKE GAS AND THE PAIN WOULD ALL Pass. No. 7 HAT’S the matter with Nebraska? Answer: Bill Bryan. As counter: feit this Bill has twice been thrust upon us and cast back. His parents were Mr. and Mrs. Bryan, and he was so pre cocious and noisy that, for the first few days after his birth, he was mistaken for twins. Now his bid for fame arises from his invention of the everlasting, interlocking, reversible and adjustable Democratic platform. But how can he qualify for the Presidency? He doesn’t like cocktails and he can’t swim a stroke. Could he improve the golden oppor- tunity if he were to see a lady drowning? He never served in the Cabinet. He doesn’t even know how to score in tennis and he never reads nature books. Poor Bill! He never—but what's the use? Bill is argentic, bimetallic, calorific, democratic, eruptive, frolicsome, gaseous, histrionic, imperialistic, jocose, knavish, lethargic, multiloquent, nomadic, ob streperous, pastoral, quadrennial, rever- berant, somniferous, tautologistic, un- timely, vociferous, wearisome, xyloid, yawl-rigged and zealous, He, probably, is a few other things of which I can’t think just now. Initiative and referendum; government ownership and free silver; the Commoner and fiddlestic Give me liberty or—can there be any Presiden tial wors ENGLAND. IT PASSED—SO DID HE—THROUGIT THE Roop. comicbooks.com