Life — June 6, 1907 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

*LIFE: Life’s Little Problems HERE was once a Bishop who de- sired to marry and, after giving the matter much thought, he went to a mar- riage broker and stated his wishes. “Yes, your Grace,” replied the broker, “T happen to have on hand at the present time three very desirable articles. Here they are.” He brought forward three ladies, who stood in a row before the Bishop and tried to look pleasant. One of them was A Peach, one was A Very Attractive Woman, but the third was A Fearsome Sight. The Bishop shuddered. “How dare you thus palter with sin he exclaimed. ‘‘Do you not know that a divorced woman is an abomination in the sight of a priest? She has been faith- less to her holy vows, forgetful of her sworn trust and justly merits reproba- tion; and yet, brother,” his face softened as he stole a second glance at the Peach, “we must not be censorious. Charity, charity. Another look at this poor child’s innocent eyes convinces me that she has been more sinned against than sinning. ‘Judge not,’ you remember.” “1 will take the Peach,” said the Bishop “It is scarcely necessary to waste time,” said the Bishop, dropping his eyeglass, after a cursory inspection ; “I have come to an immediate decision, and”—with a wave of his jeweled hand “will take the Peach.” “Certainly, sir,” replied the broker, “but, perhaps, it is only right to inform your Honor that the lady is a divorcée. Her divorce, however, was obtained at the North Pole or in Darkest Africa, I really forget which; but I am in a posi- tion to inform your Grace that fact will never be known to the public.” “Very true, your Grace; but since the Peach is out of the running, why not consider the Very Attractive Woman?” The Very Attractive Woman smiled winningly upon the Bishop, and his somewhat stern and austere countenance took on a more benevolent expression. “Charming, charming,” he mur- mured; ‘‘an admirable helpmeet, I am sure, There are, of course, dear brother, no dark secrets in her past?” The broker hesitated a moment. “T’m an honest man, sir, and I must: confess that she, although the fact is unknown to you, is, in reality, your deceased wife’s sister.” At these words the Bishop fell into an unholy rage. “Wretch!” he cried. ‘Are you come, like Satan of old, to harass me? Why have you dared to tempt me with these daughters of Babylon? Understand, once and forall, that I wish a wife whose past is as a sheet of white paper; who seeks only the jewels of modesty, sin- cerity and obedience; who cares nothing for gaudy garments, but yearns for the robe of picty and learning.” ‘An expression of relief came over the broker’s face, “Then here’s just the article you want, sir,” drawing forward the Fearsome Sight. “This lady is one of the most meek, pious, accomplished, truthful, good persons that ever lived, without one fault or vanity.” “Very interesting, ve-ry interesting,” said the Bishop, languidly. “It’s a great thing to reflect that such women still grace the earth; but in our admiration for them, we must not be too hard upon those who have not had their advantages and opportunities. We must ever re- member how precious are the lost sheep of the House of Israel; and no matter how dear to the heart of a priest are the ninety and nine safe in the fold, yet in- finitely dearer is the one lost lamb wandering in the thickets of sin. But, dear brother, we must not let our sym- pathy deflect us from our allegiance to principle—Principle’” —— But the broker had vanished and the Bishop was left to make his decision alone. He married one of these ladies, Which? Do you know? Mrs. Wilson Woodrow, Appropriate NVENTOR: This is the greatest yeast powder ever. But what shall we name it? ADVERTISING Man: A quick riser, is it? “Wonderful.” “Call it the Leonard Wood.” UMANITY and who’swhomanity, these be the two classes into which mankind now chiefly fall. comicbooks.com