Life — May 23, 1907 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SY LIES THE wep Se WEARS _A Sowa? {A oosevelt, T. An after-breakfast speakerand Presidential hack-writer. Also canal digger, trust buster and all- around sport. This young man began his career as President in the days when the country was a Republic. He inher- ited a splendid constitution, but has abused it ever since. He is fond of walk- ing on railroads, and, not satisfied with this, frequently jumps on them, He is not good at arithmetic, and cannot count beyond three. His principal amusement is raiding Wall Street, making Teddy- bears and calling all men liars, Princi- pal works : “Filipino Funerals,” “Extin- guished Canal Engincers,” and “Leonard Wood.” Favorite motto : “Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.” Address, Washington, D. C., care Benjamin Till- man TH Contentment *M HAPPY now as one can be— At least, upon this earth— Because I haven't time to think How little I am worth; It’s really gratifying to t how poor you are While riding in an auto—er, I mean a mortgaged car. It used to trouble me to meet My creditors, for they But now I scarcely see them in My touring—er, I mean A mortgaged automobile run With borrowed gasoline! WFR. «LPF E* Who's What In and Out of America ryan, W. J. A distinguished and extinguished Presidential im possibil- ity, who first created an enemy's country and then made so much money out of it that he could afford to become the editor of a paper. This gentleman took the re- mains of the Democratic party and get- ting them firmly between his teeth wor- ried them to death, Since then Wall Street has looked up, and prosperity has spread its rich, warm mantle over every magnate in the country, at times almost rubbing its fringe even against those who are too poor to know how to be dis- honest, and too proud to steal anyway. After successfully playing in his great play, “The Would-be Boy President of Nebraska,’’ he traveled in Mexico and Europe, unleaming everything he did not know about the Silver Question, and has since then become so quiet that you can hear a pin drop anywhere west of the Missouri River. Principal occupation, nursing a vain hope. Author of “Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining,” “Teddybear Baiting,” “‘ A Forlom Hope,” etc. Motto: You can lead a donkey to water, but you cannot make him think. “] HOPE you won’t insist upon a long engagement, dearest,” he said, ten- derly. “No, sweetheart, I won’t. You haven’t money enough to make one enjoyable,” she answered practically. A famous ‘arnegie, Andrew. raiser of Pittsburg millionaires and advance age it of obscurity. This gen- tleman, first stamping his name in indel- ible ink on the stork’s breast, was born in Scotlaad, and coming to this country concealed himself behind a tariff until he was old enough to stay out in the wet with a collection of pots and pans while it was raining money. Since then he has become a popular entertainer, goes out evenings for a moderate sum and is y handsome young girls tutions. His principal occupation is increasing taxes. Recrea- tion, making his own epitaphs. He is the author of ‘* What Will He Do with 10?” “The Lake,” etc. He also conducts an advertising correspondence school. Address, Ladies’ Entrance, Waldorf-As- toria. Urbanity SHOP-GIRL entered the car. Every strap was full occupied. But was she compelled to stand on her poor, tired, aching feet all the way home? Oh, no. Three or four men promptly jammed her up among them in such a way that she could not possibly fall down, Americans are no doubt the politest people in the world. As for the French, if you speak of them, they have no such opportunities. IRST VISITOR (in New York Harbor): That’s a pretty old looking excursion boat Native: Yes. That boat ought to have blown up or sunk long ago. comicbooks.com