Life — April 4, 1907 — page 28: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

First Aid to the Intellect HE biggest policeman within Central Park Looked down—oh, far down!—upon me; No, ‘tis not to-day ye'll be hovin’ to pay To sce the muscum,” quoth he. cn added, amidst an Hibernian smile, “Wait now, till [ tell ye more yit; An’ if ye remimber the way that it goes, I warrant ye'll niver forgit.” (So he chanted this rune, which I took asa boon, For through all of life’s dull days « a gay 1 his much-emphasized di ays an’ fish-days is pay io all alwa “Wash 's Tee days He stated: “They ask me from marrnin’ till noight— Decimber the same as in May On Choosdays an’ Sundays an’ Froidays an’ Mondays— Which days they’re expicted to pay? ‘They ayther starrt in, without havin’ a cint, d whin they arren’t allowed ; Or else they're His Nobs an’ as rich as the Mint, Ina huff at the nonpayin’ crowd!” He repeated his phrase with an hypnotic gaze; And forever, on work-days or play-days, When approaching the stile I exclaim with a smile: “Wash-days an’ fish-doys is pay-days LENVOL ‘Therefore, princes, or paupers, who patronize art, In the course of your golden or gray days, Would you spend? Would you save? Learn the “Wash-days an’ fish-days is pay-days. ving by heart: Anna Mathewson. Any Place but Home HERE seems to be a tendency, among thoughtless men, to ridicule the new ladies’ club on Madison Avenue. The club merits encouragement. It offers an asylum for a large class of purposeless females who might, otherwise, be at home or out of doors. ‘The expression “at home” is here used in a purely social sense. Our more or less opulent ladies who are likely to patron- ize the Colony Club would hardly remain at home except during a blizzard. ‘Too much money seems to have a more disastrous effect upon the American woman than upon her husband. It works along sillier lines. And for that reason this new club may prove an excellent institution, Let us hope it will be a wel- come refuge for women who are bored by their husbands and by their children; for strenuous spinsters and grass widows; for those whom one cocktail fails to encourage; for women who“ bridge” it both night and day, and for those women who must talk to somebody more than thirteen hours out of the twenty-four. And, presumably, they will all get there. But the mind of man falters when it tries to picture the doings of that Committee on Admissions. What a wiping off of old scores!) What triumphs and what heartburings! O, lovely! “DO YOU go to Sunday-school regularly, my little man?” <o, sir; sometimes I'm so sick that I stay home and enjoy myself.” “LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT” Our Ad. Column AM ‘EM IN—Agents wanted for my new antiseptic prodder. This little instrument crowning achievement of Twentieth Century Civilization. Bill soon to be introduced into New York Legislature to make its use legal. Consists of steel- pointed stick to be used by conductors to compel passengers to step lively. Must be felt to be appreciated. Problem of transportation simplified and dividends doubled. Large com- missions. Apply H. H. Vreeland Ovr Bricapirr- RAL CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL— Brigadier-Generals while you wait at home. Full courses in citquette, speech-making, wire-pulling and How to Approach the President and Get His Confidence. Why not be at the head of the Army? Doitnow! The slow, tedious West Point method long since antiquated. Travel in foreign countries fully assured. Address Inside Track. Scroor ror Grrts— Pleasantly located at Haughtyville-on- the-Hudson. Everything taught but reading, writing and arithmetic. Send one thousand dollars when you see this and we will mail you our catalogue. Girls taught in all up-to-date branches. How to become an accomplished spender. Catch- ing husbands, Afternoon classes in snobbery. Very exclusive, only society column families being admitted. Morals in charge of Rev. Dr. Rounder. Address the Misses Graft Wanxtep, New Stuptrs—Inventors everywhere are urged to put their minds on originating new fads for children. Every child at present has too little to do. Can you think of any absolutely useless but amusing thing to add to our present stock of studies that will make parents happy and Americans feel they are getting more for their money? If so, address Our National Educational System, Anywhere. For Excnance—A good donkey in place of an elephant, who has contracted bad habits and needs rest and recuperation. Donkey wanted with short ears and long head. Intelligent, if possible. Don’t mind obstinacy, but must be reliable. Gentleman Donkey preferred. Uncle Sam, White House Paddock comicbooks.com