Life — February 21, 1907 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ee ae ren ls Andrew Carnegie NDREW CARNEGIE is a prod- uct of hyperborean Scotland, upon which has been superimposed a blend of pitchblende, Presbyterianism and Pitts- burg ethics, Harveyized and hand-pol- ished. Andrew cut his eye-teeth at six weeks, wrote his autobiography at ten, and made his first speech on altruism when just twelve weeks old. He is as modest as B. Shaw, as reticent as T. Roosevelt, as shrinking as Dr. Munyon, as tactful as Ben Odell, as popular as Platt, as guileless as Harriman and as rich as mud. He is philanthropic, but hardly charitable; everything he gives has a bawl and chain with it, and is ac- companied by a brass band, a balloon ascension, salvos of artillery and ora- tions. Andrew hates ostentation, loves self-effacement, preaches peace and prac- tises publicity. He is the Ponce de Leon of commercialism and discovered the secret of perpetual youth for infant indus- tries in the tariff. He is a self-made man and looks it; no consistent Christian is ir- reverent or sacrilegious enough to lay the blame on Providence. E SAYS he wants to die poor; we are indifferent to his ultimate financial condition, provided he does it. When he LP Er goes there will be left many architectural atrocities congested with books, many buncoed cities with mortgages, endless material forfuture ruins labeled Carnegie, good graft for lawyers, a sense of peace and a grateful silence. Andrew is a patriot; he says so numer- ously and noisily; he wishes to serve his land and language. We commend to his early consideration that beautiful and tender classic aphorism, ‘‘ Dulce et deco- rum est pro patria mori.” As the modest insurance man would suggest—do it now, Our Fortune-Telling Department Nor 2: Send a lock of your hair. If you haven’t any hair, send photo. Mary Baker E.: This lady is of a confiding, trustful nature, and everything she touches turns to money. She will ke very popular in certain circles, and is bound to make her mark. She has atend- ency toward marriage and should be careful how she approaches the maga- zines. She is immortal, and though sub- ject to toothache, will never be bothered with remedies. ‘The Pierpont Morgans that thou hast and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with stocks of steel. His Own Louis XVI. FREDERICK HARRISON says: “Roosevelt is striving to do for his country what Marat tried to do for France. Happily, he is his own Louis XVI.” Happily he is. He even announced two years ago that he would cut off his own head on March 4, 1909. He will do it, too. Expert Abbe D® ROBERT ABBE, who is the ra- dium expert in this country, owns more of this wonderful substance than is side the Atlantic Ocean, about ten thousand dollars’ worth of it in his pocket, which he uses casually for the relief of his friends. It has acted with wonderful effect on neuralgia, warts and various forms of inflammation. Recently, he dropped twenty-five thousand dollars’ worth on the floor of his office, and recov- ered it by exposing a sensitive photo- graphic plate, which immediately re- vealed its whereabouts. 271 Answers to Correspondents R.: We have received your notice * that all men are liars, and same has been filed away for future reference. If you are seeking a new situation, as you state, why not apply to Har- vard University? They need a new bouncer. DrypeN, Newark: Do not be discour- aged just because you happen to be the most unpopular man in Jersey. Jersey is in reality a small State. It might be worse if you lived in New York. E. H. Harri an: We should advise you not to attempt laying in a stock of morals at this late date. They would do you no good and no one would be- lieve you had them. Enclosed find catalogue of the best jails. Jno. D.: There is still hope for your boy. He is too rich to want to steal, and he is bound to come to the end of his Bible texts. Even the Bible is limited. Platt laughs at locksmiths, Count that day lost whose low-descend- ing sun views from thy hand no Finlay Peter Dunne. It's a Poor Rule ISN’T possible to get into good so- ciety unless you belong to the church, is it?” “Oh, yes; you can join our bridge club.” A MATCHLESS PERFORMANCE. comicbooks.com