Life — November 1, 1906 — page 35: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

RAE: Wreades “IT WAS A DELIGHTFUL EXHIBITION, SIR, AND WOULD YOU MIND DOING IT OVER AGAIN AS SOON AS 1 BRING MY CHILDREN AROUND?” The Apostate’s Creed BELIEVE. in Gold, the Dollar Almighty, Maker of Heaven on earth, and in Legal Trusts, the natural issue thereof; which were conceived by Philanthropists, borne by a Patient People, suffered to exist by a Loot-loving Legislature, defended, extolled and worshipped; they descended into the Depths of Extortion, but rose upon the wings of Legal Justification, and sit upon the right hand of the Govern- ment, from whence they may expect no molestation, even forever: I believe in the Power of Graft, the reduction of Natural Wonders to Commercial Utility, the Unlimited Advance in the Price of Necessities, and in the healthy development of the strife now existing between Classes and Masses to a feud everlasting. The Czar and Me Being a Recent Historical Episode, Hitherto Undivulged. ‘T WAS my wife’s fault—and, yet, she is the kindest, gentlest, most thoughtful, painstaking and persevering person in the world. But how could she know that when my whiskers began to grow that I would look so much like the Czar of Russia? It all came about because I was getting so thin. Maria, that is, my wife, noticed it and it worried her. I guess, perhaps, it worried her also because it was getting harder and harder to make both ends meet. You know when a man’s down every- thing happens. “Jacob,” she says to me one day, “you must keep your spirits up. I know what the trouble is. It’s your face that is against you. You look too young. Now, if you only had a “nice, respectable beard, people would think you amounted to something and you might get a good job.” So I grew a beard. Somehow or other it didn’t seem to make much difference in my prospects. I was thin and growing thinner. The doctor said I needed a change. He took me aside confidentially and said he guessed it would be a good idea for me to get away from my wife. “She means well,” he said, ‘but she is too kind. She is giv- ing you too many treatments to thrive on.” I suppose that worried me, too. Everything worried me. One evening Maria was reading aloud to me when she came across an article about the Czar of Russia and there was a pic- ture as large as life. “Mercy sakes,” said Maria, jumping up, “if you don’t look like him!” $ I got a hand-glass and looked at myself and then at the pic- ture. “Sure thing!’ I said. Somehow or other this idea of my looking like the Czar began to interest me. I read the article carefully, and felt in sympathy with him at once. He was having his troubles as well as I. I guess it was a toss-up between us. At any rate, I said to myself, ‘It might do us both good if we could swap off.” While I was thinking about this Maria, in some curious way, helped me out. It seemed that she had been to see the doctor and was quite impressed by what he said. “Jacob,” she says to me one day, “the doctor says you need a change, and I wouldn’t be surprised if a sea voyage would do you good. Besides, since you lost your position we have had to scrape pretty hard, and I have only about two thousand dol- lars left in the bank. Now, health is the first thing to be con- sidered. You take a thousand dollars of it, Jacob, and go somewhere and have a good time.” “How about you?” says I. She looked at me fondly. ‘The doctor. thinks,” she said, “that it might be better for you to go alone.” Then I suggested my scheme. “The Czar,” says I, ‘is worried now. I believe he would like a change, too. It is a fortunate thing I happen to look like him; at any rate, it would take my mind off my present troubles to go over there and find out.” Maria lifted up her hands in horror. “It ain’t safe, This story continued on page 510 ”” she comicbooks.com