Life — October 18, 1906 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHATS THE MATTER? WHAT SORT OF MESSAGE IS HE RECEIVING ? WHY THIS DELIGHT SO SUDDENLY FOLLOWED BY UNWELCOME NEWS ? YOR THY, BEST SOLUTIONS OF THE MYSTERY, TOLD IN NOT MORE THAN THREE HUNDRED WORDS ANT. RECEIVED BEFORE JANUARY, 1907, "LITE" WILL GIVE TEN PRIZES OF TEN DOLLARS FACH. Conservatism Up: to Date Scene: A ladies’ luncheon. Time: Any day ADY IN PURPL! Dr. Dash is wonderful, simply wonderful! I go to him Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, at six in the morning. It is an awful hour, but Dr. Dash says that the shocks enter the system properly only at sunrise. He puts me in a sort of glass cylinder, that can bear 200 degrees Fahrenheit, and then turns on pink rays. As the heat increases the pink fades and when it be- comes opalescent blue the shocks have been properly administered. I then, of course, go back to bed and rest all of that day—but it is so strengthening! You ought all of you to try it. Lapy 1n Brown: Oh, my dear, do be careful! I have a friend who went to him and the shocks shattered her whole con- stitution. I have discovered the clever- est man—not a regular doctor—but he is doing wonders for every one. His theory is that what we need is a return to nature and that we ought to go barefoot. Lapy IN GREEN: Don’t try that sheep cure! It gave Mrs. Smith chronic rheu- matism! You ought to send for Maggie Pincher and have facial massage. Don’t you think my skin looks well? Cuorvus oF Lapres: Beautiful! Just like a baby’s! Too lovely! Lapy IN Green (triumphantly): It has all been done by Maggie Pincher’s fingers, oleomargarine-cream and ground- glass rollers! Lapy 1n Brown (sotto voce, to her neighbor): Whatever you do, my dear, don’t have anything like that done to you! It smooths out the skin on top, by swelling up the skin underneath; and by and by it all gets rubbed loose; and doesn’t fit any more. Her NEIGHBOR, IN Biack: I would not dare to try it; it might make me fat! I go over to Philadelphia once a week to see Dr. Blank. You ought to go to him, I weigh everything I eat: one ounce of red meat or one and a half of brown; two of green vegetables, of course none of the starchy —— Lapy 1x Vivip Rep (interrupting): There is only one way to keep one’s figure thin. Every one’s attention captured as though by a magnet. All present in chorus: How? Lavy tn Rep: Be massaged by Mrs. Pounder every morning for two hours. Lapy rv Brown: But she hurts! Lapy IN GREEN: Doesn't she make you black and blue? Lavy In Purpe: I am crazy to try her, but I can’t stand pain! How do you live through it? Lapy in Rep (bravely): It is agony. I used to hold tight to the bedpost and scream out loud, but Maggie was used to little demonstrations of that kind, and kept right on. Now I don’t feel ordinary bruises any more; she says she has to pinch her hardest to hurt me. At this point, luncheon having come to an end, the martyr arose first and walked out of the room ahead of the other women, whose eyes were fastened in awed admiration on the hard little hips that had lost all sensation for ordinary bruises. At the end came a comfortable matron, whose ample proportions were allowed full freedom in a voluminous costume of white. “Dear friends,” she purred, as she settled herself in the largest armchair (while the other five prepared to stand for half an hour after the meal), “what are large hips? Merely an error. What is pain? Merely an error. You should all become Christian Scientists.” And then she smiled sweetly, and her smile said distinctly as words: ‘If you would only have faith in my theories who knows but that you might have figures as sylph- like and perfect as—my own!” comicbooks.com