Life, 1905-12-07 · page 34 of 60
Life — December 7, 1905 — page 34: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three distinct pieces of satire from *Life* magazine: 1. **"A Dissertation on Girls"** (left): A humorous essay by L. Newton Greene stereotyping girls' behavior—they're accident-prone, enjoy tattling and chewing gum, fear mice and getting dirty. The accompanying cartoon shows adults discussing girls, likely parents or guardians. The satire mocks both sentimental attitudes about girlhood and their perceived frivolity. 2. **"Would I Were Twins!"** (right, top): A romantic poem about two sisters—one with blue eyes and blonde hair, the other with brown eyes. The refrain expresses the speaker's romantic dilemma choosing between them. This appears gentle satire of sentimental Victorian romance tropes rather than sharp political commentary. 3. **"Avoirdupois"** (right, bottom): This is economic/consumer satire. The diagram shows how coal dealers cheat customers: the line indicating coal "dug by the miner" is longest, the amount "shipped to the dealer" shorter, what "you pay for" shorter still, but "what you get" is smallest—with the difference being "cinders and ashes." This exposes fraud in the coal trade.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
GIRL is a kid op to be a woman stead of an NY kare nt kiled b eile or dont cey WS die death from other natchel co You kin allus tell the difra , boy an a girl curls an dont stockins or y grow up if she is a oughtom becos she puts on ares an has holes in the nees of h » from shootin get 1s on her tl marbles fer keey Girls is) fur t sore on a feller when he kisses children. They some em an_ the es gets sore cause he dont kiss em, How kin feller tell what to do? I dont Ive knowed a pile of girls in my an their all jest the ame ceptin the color of there hare know. é an eyes an the dresses what they ware vam + Girls favorut fun is chewin gum an tattlin to there mothers. Th sody when they kin get it. I we thing hey cant never be dent of these united states of america. Girls looks nice when they is dressed an in the parler but they aint no fun playin fer they is allus afrade of gettin dirty or gettin there hare p: rls is afrade of mice rats bugs an freckels an last years irls is certain funny sometimes but 1 think mebbe Iso enjoys ice cream lint be a girl fer enny- base ball picher or p becos led. will get better when they grows up. spiruts does get better with age. L. Newton G ALL TO THE GOOD, FOOLING THEIR 1SSUI Would I Were Twins! re lives a fancy pair— U’ in the North One has blue eyes and yellow hair ; When it falls upon her neck you see a golden rain, And you long to put it up to see it fall ag Little Sister is her name, but when the others go— "Way down below my breath I call her “ Golden Glow Rerraty: Rig Sister, Little Sister, Brown eyes and Dark h. What's a man to do? If a fellow’s heart is big he'd better keep away From the house upon a hill neae t dancing bay. Brown eyes that sparkle, curly dark brown Sau a dare! Fyes that say—" You mustn't—you shouldn't if you would !" And a big red rosebud that says—'* I wish you could But when I look into those eyes to find the woman hid, y hear the laughter of a funny little kid, REFRAIN (repeated) When [am waltzing, then I'm sure I But say to Brown Eyes, * Look at me rely it is dreamland—for a man might dream away With 1 And when the eve If you asked him—“ Are brown eyes the best, or sunny yellow hair?” hter, song and p je the merry summer da: ing came at last, no answer would be there, REPRaly, George Phillips. FAster¥ is but the personal column of the ages. Avoirdupois. The length of this line indicates the ton of coal as dug b; This one indicates the ton shipped to the d ‘The small dealer gets a ton like this. This is the one you pay for. ‘This is what you get The residue is: Cinders and Ashes. he miner, And this line will give you some conception of the size of the BILL.