Life — August 25, 1904 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

486 Fall Styles in People. ‘ T" 2 styles in people for the fall Wil be both trim and neat, With no important change at all In hands or eyes or feet. There'll be a smaller size in brains, So's net to discommode In do: Says Madame de la Mode. autos, trucks and trains,” “ Though morals are in vogue this year, ‘They'll wear them rather low, And many scandals will appear In swell whole-cloth, you know, New fads in fashionable disease Will sooa come in, no doubt, For vermiform appendices Have gone entirely out, “ Some Russian princes home from war Have set the styles just now And caused a perfect furore for The new * retreating brow.’ For Presidential goods the type Will make the chappie glad— The very quiet Parker stripe Or the noisy Roosevelt plaid, Stripes will be worn by boodlers who Last year were fond of checks ; Reformers will be proper, too, With somewhat stiffer necks ; Brides will be trimmed with dollar signs, The kind that won't corrode, Thus all will fall in graceful lines,” Says Madame de la Mode Wallace rein The Man on Horseback. ERSONALLY conducting a tough aggregation of Western ggun experts up various hills, in @ past so remote as to seem wi-> medieval, Theodore Van Loch- invar Roosevelt, of Oyster Bay: rode out over the If Stream to Cuba; and, after wading spur-deep in Spanish gore, he returned home a Popular Idol. Theodore had a well- defined ambition and a well-organized press-agency ; he knew what he wanted and was unhampered by maiden mod- esty ; and he intimated to Thomas the Cat, with a band on his gun, ‘that, unless his share of the political pie materialized at an early date, he might look for a rough house of liberal pro- portions, Thomas was up against it, and the kittens were alarmed; but being a wise and prudent tabby. he accepted the inevitable. After a brief experience with Theo- dore, the Cat had sleepless nights. So calling his kittens together, Thomas *L IF E- said: ‘*The Broncho bids fair to kick the Mcciine to pieces, unless we can corral him in the political vermiform appendix, Get out, my children, and boom him for the Vice-Presidency ; and when we have him stalled among the antique and doddering bores of our system, he will fade away and be for- gotten."" Theodore, carefully wrapped in tar balls, was laid away in the Senatorial Old Ladies’ Home, and the Cat Family rejoiced. But suddenly the unexpected happened ; Lochinvar became the Real ‘Thing and migrated to the Chateau Blanc, where he not only filled the Presidential chair, but all the rest of the furniture in the neighborhood. He gave Civil Service Reform av jon, while he provided clover for his friends and nettles for his foes ; Dr. Wood a General and General Miles an outdoor patient ; he put Ohio on hospital diet and placed Harvard in charge of the National Pie Counter, With a skill worthy of a veteran, he swatted several monopolies with a brass-band accompaniment, securing simultaneously thereby the silence of the Hot-Air Oracle of Ne- braska and the shrill scoldings of the shricking Sux. he made As the distributor of useful thin; rich, juicy jobs, he was the beloved of the Senate, the idol of the Expectant Hungry ; and as party loyalty increases with the diameter of the barrel bung, Theodore Van Lochinvar Roosevelt grew in power and dignity until he filled the earth and congested the news. wires, and postprandial office-holders he made Washington look like a care-worn dime. His snortful contempt for Wall Street madé Finance look haggard; and, as the irrigated trusts began to leak and shrink, and securities grew so indi- yestible that Harlem goats refused to browse on them, the directors of the Temple of the Holy Kerosene Can began to shake their heads, the captains and chevaliers of industry began to murnur, the Fakirs of Finance, who turn water into gold, howled, and the strident Sux of Wall Street threw fits, denounced Theodore .as unsafe, and advertised for candidates who would stand without hitching. But Theodore, watching the game and learning how the wheels go round, declared saw that Providence was on the side of the heaviest job distributor, and that the Captain Kidd Kerosene Finance Association trembled between the Roosevelt devil and the Democratic deep sea. To keep the pot boiling, while his own little machine was mak- ing, Theodore landed his imperial marines at Panama, kicked the effete Dagos off the earth, annexed a canal site, issued a proclamation, created a bunch of new fertilizing jobs for the class of 78 immune from yellow jack, nd announced that it was all done for Collective Civilization, a nice new euphemism for international graft and breaking and entering. Then unfurling his banner of Roosevelt and Reform, he hurled his henchmen at Chicago, annexed the nomination, cowed the kickers, frustrated the financiers, de- nounced the Democracy, soaked the Sun dancers, issued forty yards of political prune juice and platitude, and graciously allowed the Has-Beens to ballast his kite with an Indiana Ice Wagon. The Thomas Cat now licks cream on Theodore's kitchen steps, while the Van Lochinvar sits on the front piazza, showing his teeth, bossing the Republic, and saying to the Pilgrims of De- mocracy journeying from St! Lou **Gentlemen, the Man on Horsebac has played ; it is now your move.” Joseph Smith. “MAMMA, WHAT KIND OF CHEESE DO THE MOON-PEOPLE THINK THE EARTH 13 MADE OF ? comicbooks.com