Life — July 28, 1904 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Thibet and Trade. OMEWHERE between heaven and Heligo- land, to the north of In- dia andsouth of the Pole Star, not far from China and very close to the heart of Down- ing Street, lies an elevated region of sand, rocks, gla- ciers and east winds, whose soil is adorned with Buddhist temples and sacred yaks, whose principal crops are snowballs, chilblains and herbage for goats, and whose inhabitants are a vain, valiant, vigorous, vicious, vin- dictive bunch of unwashed pagan vaga- bonds, who hate Christianity and civili- zation and distrust the Anglo-Saxon as thoroughly as though he were a brother and had traded horses with them, This béautiful mountain region is called Thibet; and as it contains a trail navigable for men and mules car- rying civilization and calico, which leads round the sources of the limpid and purling Yang-tse-Kiang and into the fat, juicy trade pastures of China, the gentle Anglo-Saxon of Hindostan became suddenly alarmed about the moral and spiritual condition of the Thibetans, and resolved to send mis- sionaries into the land to mend their manners and improve their morals and merchandise. A meeting was called at Simla, a camp situated on the ragged edge of Rudyard Kipling and the cholera belt, where Goorkhas, Sepoys and other sun-kissed Anglo-Saxons learn the butcher trade. To the council came Kitchener, the Shepherd of Khartoum; Curson, the Cannon-Cracker of Hin- dostan ; Loidy Curson, the delighter of Asia ; Graberai Cashjum, of the Simla Board of Trade; J. Sneakaboo Joss- man, of the Evangelical Board of Trade, and other moralists and uplift- ers, eager to advance religion, com- merce and British batteries in Thibet, From Chamberlain, the idol of the Boers, came this telegram: “Be just and fear not—to shoot ; the Czar is on the bum ; forward for faith and father- -LIFE- land, but don't cut prices. My ammu- nition factory is at the nation’s serv- ice,"” Lord Curson said: ‘Gentlemen, the haughty heathen of Thibet, steeped in ignorance and garbed in Russian cotton goods, has repelled our envoys bearing messages of peace and love ; repelled because they carried jimmies and sandbags to avoid offending the pagan prejudices of the natives. Our prestige is at stake, Let it once be demonstrated that the Anglo-Saxon in Asia has no right to annex anything he fancies from a purse to a province, and the British Empire is in danger. Since Russia is busy and China is nervous, and the outside world sensitive and critical, we deem it best to avoid vio- lence and use diplomacy and moral suasion to reform these pioodthirsty Buddhi: iJ “*Moral suasion by all means, me Lud,” chorused the moralists. ‘* No brute force; no assault and battery ; merely imperial moral suasion, with a battery on the side.” “I am of opinion,” said the gentle Kitchener, ‘‘the sword should be put away; the sword excites distrust and derision ; the Maxim inspires confi- dence. The great moral forces of the Anglo-Saxon, prudence, piety, prayer, precept, and first-class Maxims have widened our frontiers and extended our trade, I favor diplomacy, with a small police guard of perhaps two col- ored regiments and say three batteries."" “The Pacifier of the Transvaal,” said Curson in his tactful way, ‘is SNAPSHOTS IN HADES. WHEN THE COLLEGE MAZERS GET DOWN IN THE REGION WHERE THE CUSTOM ORIGINATED, comicbooks.com