Life — December 11, 1903 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

612 Both Sides of the Ledger. Xe “PHE country is simply going to the dogs through those un- speakable humans,” said the Wolf to the Lion at a recent cabinet meet- ing. The King of the Beasts wrinkled his furrowed brows perplexedly. ‘ What can one expect?” he replied fretfully. “When animals get up and walk on their hind legs, it is an unfailing sign of degeneracy. If they would only consent to learn of the higher races how to be decent, clean, orderly beasts, there might be some hope for them. One of their own prophets, whom I have studied somewhat, expresses their case admirably : ‘God hath made man upright; but they have sought out many inventions!" "? peaking of inventions,” said the Wolf, ‘have you heard of the last ‘Erminian’ atrocities, man’s new method of trapping the little beasts? ‘The Ermine family are simply crushed with grief and shame. They have always given their skins gladly for royalty ; but now, every social female in the human race is wearing them." “Strange,” mused the Lion. ** The venerable F tells me that he is making a study of human habits and customs, and he says that many of them are very curious and interestiv ‘The males spend all their time in play- ing a peculiar game, in which each man tries to secure as many of his neighbor's possessions as possible. His success is usually measured by the amount of ruin and misery he c: If he wins in this game, which, by the way, led the ¢ strenuous life,’ all pay him homage. Then the females exchange these hard-won possessions for beasts’ skins, feathers, and stones dug from the earth, and also in motley ornaments for the interior of their dens.’ “It would be sad, if it were not so amusing,”’ said the Wolf, showing his teethina grin. ‘I cannot accept the theory of evolution, when I ponder on the way of these humans. How can ASeS, 7 LiBB« they ever ascend to our level?” “They are fit for nothing but the purpose for which the Almighty cre- ated them,"’ dogmatized the chattering gray Ape, the Dr. Parkhurst of the beasts, ‘namely, the delectation of animals. We should all thank God that we are not as human beings, 0 as their women !"’ Il. iN WOMAN knelt before the glitter- ~~ ing altar of a splendid church, and fervently congratulated her Maker upon having selected one so worthy of His manifold benefits as herself. She included among these mercies her superb baby-lamb coat, her great ermine muff and broad stole which fell to the foot of her gown, and the rare bird and aigrette in her hat. She also offered thanks that she slept soft and fared sumptuously, while others suf- fered, and that she was enabled to give liberally to church and charity. But against her prayer was the credit account of the little ermine, struggling, dying in the snow, its tongue held fast by the relent frost against the greased knife-blade; the shrill cries of starving young birds, whose mother had been sacrificed to adorn a hat; and the slaughtered sheep rifled of her lamb before the due time! Mrs, Wilson Woodrow. J* seems that Mr. Bryan's lawyers are going to make a fight for the thirty thousand dollars which was left to Mr. Bryan by the late Philo Bennett of New Haven. The Surrogate of New Haven County cannot see his y at present to let Mr. Bryan have the money. There is no doubt that Mr. Bennett intended that he should have it. Where Mr. Bryan made his mis- take was in having anything to do with the making of Mr. Bennett’s will. He has got neither money nor credit out of his connection with it, A man of gumption would have got the money. A truly wise man would have hesitated long to ac- cept it. «Jest Plain Dog.” [LE sare t nothin’ but jest a dog, An’ not much of a dog at that; His hair grew ’round in foolish spots *Bout the shade of an ol’ door-mat ; ‘An’ then he was kinder shy on ears— One had been chewed most up, An’ his eyes—well, folks used t Jaugh An’ say, when they saw the pup, “Why, he ain't nothin’ but jest plain dog.” Never could teach him no fancy tricks, He never seemed to care, But somebow, wherever Why, he was always there we sort of became acquainted An’ together we sort of stuck, “Cause fortune had kinder slighted me An’ his was the worst 0” luck, For he wasn't nothin’ but jest plain dog. pened t’ be, Then she came—I s'pose this story Ain't nothin’ strikin'ly new, An’ is what folks calls * prosaic,” An’ may not interest you ; But it sure did interest him a lot, An’ he got t’ feelin’ sore, “Cause, of course, she got my attention, An’ he felt more an’ more That he wasn’t nothin’ but jest plain dog. Lused t' dream of her at night An’ picture her great blue eyes, An’ feel her kisses against my eh An’ hear her long, soft sighs— ‘Then she got tired an’ went away, But he He jest kep’ on a bein’ my friend. But she was a woman, you know, Au’ he wasn’t nothin’ but jest plain dog. John Edward Hazard, he wouldn't go, | jU_F, Monkey: ou, WHATCHER QUITT'N' PORT Kangaroo (pulling off the gloves): YOU'VE GOT TOO LONG A REACH POR ME, comicbooks.com