Life — October 15, 1903 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Ym son ‘yes. A Careful Housekeeper. WV HEN Winter, with his muddy feet, Along the hills doth fure, Nature takes her earpet up And leaves the floor all bare. MeLandburgh Wiieon Heart to Heart Talks. By Sir Thomas Tirpietos. a St eae INTRODUCTORY NOTE ‘THIS department has been opened for the benesitof our younger readers, all of whom, we feel sure, are anxious to grow up into suc. cessful men and women. It will be conducted cach week by & dliferent person,—some one who has become prominent and who 1s qualifed to give advice io hisown feld. We cannot begin to tell our young readers how glad and proud we are to be tn this humble manner the moral agent through which so much good advice will go forth to our million readers, bat if as many new subscribers come in as we hope and pray, then we shall indeed feel as if our work bad not been in vaio, Dear Children: It docs me a lot of RY ‘BIKING’ HAS GONE OUT. AIN'T you?" IT's SUCH A BULLY GOOD WAY To SEE THE COUNTRY.” good to present myself before you to- day, because I feel that my own example will be of such vast benefit to mankind in general, that to have a good look at me must be an inspiration. There are a great many men, dear children, who try to do some good and aseful thing in the world, thereby achieving a reputation. But Iam the t and only example of how use- s this is And now that I am on the subject, perhaps you would like to bear from my own lips the history of how I tried to lift the cup that cheers, but does not inebriate. Some time ago, having been in the whiskey business long enough to have acquired a modest competence, I felt that I had a duty to perform to Church and State. And soI looked about for the most useless thing in all the world for me to accomplish. You see, dear little boys and girls, I wanted to be a dead game sport, and I knew this was the way. At first I thought of trying to locate the Aurora Borealis, but I concluded that trying to get the America’s Cup was even more useless than this, I wanted, you see, not only to advertise myself in the most gentleman-like manner possible, but to do something that could not possibly be of the slight- est possible benefit to anyone. Do you think I have succeeded? I hope so. Well, dear children, hearing that a boat had been made, which no one would possibly use for any purpose whatever except to make the test slit in the water, I made up my mind that I would make another to beat it, if only to show that my whiskey and tea were superior to anything els So far I haven't succeeded in the boat. But if I had, no one would have been better or worse for it, so it really doesn’t matter, except that my name has been in all the papers. Henceforth my motto shall be, ‘If at first you don’t succeed, fail, failagain.’’ Only in this way are sports made. And to be a real sport, dear childret is not soeasy. It requires plenty of money and the highest proficiency in uselessness. This is, or ought to be, the chief end of man. comicbooks.com