Life — June 13, 1901 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

506 Advice—Properly Administered. [HAVE lately been giving advice to my friends, and find it pays. The first one I met was Typerly. Hecame up to me in the station. He isa successful novelist. “I've read your book, old man,’’ I said, ‘‘and understand how you came to write it. A man must live. But it seems a pity that you couldn’t have paid more attention to the style and literary finish. After all, there’s something else in the world besides money.” Typerly gazed at me witheringly and passed on. My next friend was Pendragon, an expert account- ant. ‘ Let me give you a few pointers,” I remarked, earnestly, ‘on the simple laws of health. You are underweight. You look pale. You have undoubt edly something the matter with your lungs. You ought to give up work at once. Even now it may be too late. Pendragon murmured something inaudible and hurried into the smoking car. Number three was Smith. of a three weeks’ old baby. chance. * Nothing could be more fortunate,’’ I remarked, “than that we should be occupying the same seat. Now about that baby. Does he ery much at night? How is his digestion? Have you examined his heart with a stethoscope? If rot, do so, and don't rely on the doctor. Itis better to know the v at once. Have you read Whimper on Children’s Diseases? Get it immediately. Do you know what rickets are? They are caused by a lack of nutrition. You are a father, and it is your duty to study every viological, anthropomorphical, dictetic, hygienic, lacteal, psychological and physiological aspect of your offspring.” Smith murmured something about a business engagement and went away abruptly. The next on my list was Gullton, a man of piety. Smith was the father Here was a golden THE ARMADILLO HAS AN IDEA THAT IP HE CAN ONLY TEMPER ARMOR IT WILL BE BULLETPROOF, “LIFE ® The American Girl Loq. CORONET'S no proper hat, And ermine on robes suggests mis cat. I don't like his frills, And papa hates his bills, peer isa peer for all that. “T understand,” I said with a cynical smile, ‘ that you attend church regularly. Of course, sir, blind faith is a common human attribute, but as an intelligent inquirer, have you investigated the claims of orthodoxy? Have you read Briggs on the Scriptures? Are you familiar with the process of natural selection and that biogenesis effectu- ally answers the problem as to the nature of the so-called soul? Do you know that the doctrine of the subjectivity of the senses, while not necessarily antagonistic to teleology, utterly precludes the postulate of an orthodox God? It is your duty, my dear sir, to look these matters up.” Gullton’s voice shook with anger and his face turned all colors of the rainbow, as he remarked, in parting, that he would hereafter be careful of his company. But these few examples serve to show my method. I advise every thoughtful, self-contained man like myself to do the same. I might remark, in conclusion, that I live in a suburban town, one hour from the office, and like to spend the time on the train all alone by myself. comicbooks.com