Life — October 4, 1900 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* LIFE: Life’s Ticket. For PResiDENt, For Vick-PREsipENt, W. W. ASTOR, L, H. CHANG. HE announcement of Lire’s Cabinet has created nothing but applause, It is felt that, with Joseph Chamberlain guiding the reins of State, Richard Croker with a firm grip on the Treasury,and Mrs. Lease disbursing our total annual income for pensions, the millennium is near at hand. Terror now is disintegrating the ranks of our political opponents, The names of Astor and Chang, as future rulers of the nation, with the powerful support on the one hand of ths Four Hundred, and on the other of the entire laundry vote, are enough to insure election. There must, however, be no doubt of this. much at stake. policy. No vague promises of future prosperity suit Astor and Chang. They want everyone to know just what will happen. The Republicans promise prosperity, red-hot imperialism, monopolies, protection and places. The Democrats promise prosperity, free silver, isolation and whiskers. Astor and Chang promise all these and more. What this country needs is a President who can meet every emergency—one who is frank and open enough to let us know beforehand just what we are going to expect. Read and ponder, then, our Campaicn Document Number Two. Immediately upon their accession to the white, yellow, brown and black man’s burden, President Astor will call an extra session of Congress, and each Congressman will be given a large morphine pill. Our business interests having thus been protected. the country will be put on a combined silver and gold basis, We are surprised that no one has ever thought of this before, but perhaps it was too good for the country. Both sides will then be satisfied. We shall first have a gold standard, and then everything will be paid in silver. Every silver dollar will, of course, weigh as much as it is worth, and every citizen will carry his loose change around in a wheelbarrow. Instead of the present half-hearted Chinese policy, which we all sc much deplore, because, if it were not the eve of an election, we might be taking half of Manchuria—instead of all this, President Astor will immediately dispatch an adequate army of one million to China, and permanent quarters will be provided for them there. We are determined, however, There is too We propose, therefore, to outline our not to burden our taxpayers with this increased expense. To meet this emergency, the Waldorf-Astoria rates will be raised if necessary. The Philippine question will be settled in the easiest and best manner. The editor of the Journal will be immediately dispatched to Manila, where a morning and evening Journal will be started. It is hoped that the fierce, bristling head- lines will accomplish their object, and that the natives will drop dead in far greater numbers than when fired on by our soldiers. There being no Filipinos left, it will be easier to introduce our higher ‘ization. And now about trusts. Shall combinations of capital be allowed to thrive in the hands of a favored few, and thus be « standing menace to our institutions? Never! Let them be extended to take in everyone. What we want are more Rockefellers. We expect this country to be so well off under Astor and Chang that every farmer will own his own automobile, and when he goes to bed at night his eyes will be blinded into wakefulness by the bright glare of the certificates of stock he uses for wall paper. Hand in hand with dear old England, our pulpit preach- ing to alien lands the policy of peace and plenty, while the merry whir of the ubiquitous bullet is heard on the field of battle ; with the rosebud of benevolent assimilation in our buttonhole, and the weapon of quick dispatch in our hip pocket, there is nothing that we may not yet accomplish. Progress. se HESE Broadway cars are getting more uncomfortable all the time.” “Why shouldn’t they be? The management is naturally becoming more and more expert in ministering to the discomfort of the passengers.” ]F the average man were to write his autobiography, ho would devote the whole book to his troubles and tell of his joys in an appendix. mOuszDINNS= B Fly: Now WE'LL ORT EVEN WITH THAT BAD DUGAN KID. WE'LL RUB OUT M18 HOME Lessons, comicbooks.com