Life — September 13, 1900 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Life’s Ticket. FoR PREStvENT, W. W. ASTOR. For VicesPREsiDENT, L. H. CHANG. Jt is beginning to be clearly understood now that Lire’s ticket represents everything that the country doesn't want more completely than either of our opponents can hope to promise. What more could be desired ? The main idea of present political success is to get as far away from the wishes of the people as possible for the furtherance of the favored few. How well Astor and Chang can carry out these principles is only just beginning to dawn on everybody. Our ticket is, so to speak, in advance of the time, but by a vigorous campaign of education we are sure to bring the country our way. To all thinking men we have merely to present the con- trast between the ideals of our candidates and those of our despised opponents to insure victory. McKinley and Roosevelt, for example, represent just ordinary Imperialism. There is nothing original about this. Under Republican rule we shall have commonplace war, aggressive octopi and the truculent terrorism of Teddy. How much further ahead will Astor’s reign be! England and America will then be united by the firm bonds of Real Estate, Society and Literature, and a war of conquest can then begin, with Russia, Germany and France for objects, instead of the picayune Philippines and the bathless Boers. China, of course, will already be ours, with Li for Vice- President. This is a master-stroke in itself. Our song will then be: Where dum dums call us, We must go. It is entirely probable that members of the Four Hundred will have to be drawn on for Cabinet material; their well- known intelligence will contribute to the stability of our political functions. Such disgraceful scenes as the wearing adress suit at high noon in the halls of Congress will then not be repeated. When we reflect how much better off we shall be under Astor and Chang than under Bryan and Stevenson, the contrast is fully as flattering to our candidates. If Bryan represents Populism and Free Silver, Astor represents Societsm and Free Diamonds. Paradise, A cosy room, A pleasant-view Of hill, of lake, ‘A book or two, Some cigarettes, Some gossip new, A rainy day, And just us two! Adele Durand. [THE New York, New Haven and Hartford Railroad still persists in allowing its passengers to drink ice water before entering its hot-air tunnel, thus handicapping an otherwise perfect system. At present the engines puff all the smoke they can into the tunnel and the cars are kept closed and under the heat of a broiling sun until just before the trains start, so that they arereasonably hot, and the passengersare insured almost as uncomfortable a ride as the ingenuity of railroad officials can invent. But by imbibing ice water freely before they plunge into this inferno, they can keep cool for nearly thirty seconds after entering a car. Policemen ought to be stationed at the Grand Central entrance to stop this pernicious practice. The Price. NOPD: It took me an hour yesterday to convince my wife that I was right. Topp: You succeeded then. “Oh, yes; but she hasn’t spoken to me since.” DITOR OF LIFE: «. Why do you single out the South to link the name of Its people in Infamous comparison with the Chinese “ Boxers," when comparisons are to be had In full view of your editorial windows? We of the South are doing the best we can with a big proposition, and such jibes as appeared to your editorial of the 16th Inst. are not needed 1n admonition. In the main, Lire has been fatr to the Southern people, but there ts some- thing somewhere in Holy Writ that speaks of extracting beams from eyeballs, that obtrudes Itself on one's conxctousness at a time like this. Very truly yours, Cuarraxooga, TENN, August 16th, 1900, E. M, Eutswonrt As citizens of New York, we make uo answer. All wo ask is to get behind something and hide our blushes. LIFE never went so far as to insult a Southerner by comparing him with the average Tammany policeman. THIS Dip THE CAT CPTCH THE RAT? 1S A CAT. 1 cuess AN IMPRESSIVE LESSON. comicbooks.com