Life — July 5, 1900 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

14 Cruel Doubts. T is curious to observe with what want of appreciation certain irresponsible journals speak of Great Britain. Now, Great Britain is the civilizing power of the world. Of this there is no doubt, as we get the information straight from England. And yet, according to what follows, The Philistine does not quite believe i The average Boer outranks the average Engitshman in Intelligence and ail that goes fo make Christian virtue. England may have a higher culture ; but over against this there are myriads of men and women living In England, who are sunk into such depravity as cannot be found tn South Africa. Two-thirds of London, Liverpool and Manchester are seething masses of destitution, ‘prostitution, drunkenness and depravity, If Salisbury and Chamberlain wish to uplift and educate, there ts ample opportunity at thelr doors, In India, men, women and children are dying of starvation, and thelr eries for help cannot be heard in London for the booming of cannon in the ‘Transvaal. England has xscrificed over twenty-five thousand lives, and fifty million iu an endeavor to suppress shepherds tn South Africa, Had these twenty-five thousand men been utilized tn distribut- Ing among the natives of Indla treasure wasted In South Africa, the famine could have been entirely averted ; and the twenty-five thousand young men who are now dead might have been ulllized tn teaching the people how to avert famine in the futare. By no stretch of charity, and ly no violence to grammar can you cail the British Natlon @ Christian people. ‘The Christ spirit simply bas no place at ail In the polltical policy of Salisbury, RESIDENT McKINLEY’S numerous relatives seem to be in for another season of left-handed fame. Thus far, the result has apparently not been salutary ; here is an authentic story illustrating the point: “ Brother Abner” was recently traveling in a Pullman car. To another passenger, ignorant of the proximity of great- ness, the negro porter, in an awe-struck voice, whispered : *That’s the President's brother !"” “How do you know?” responded the plain citizen. “He told me so!” replied the porter. ‘BIGHEAD: Don’t you think that divorce tends to dis- courage matrimony? Gaysoy: Not at all. As the poet might have said: They marry now who never did before, And those already wed, now wed the more, How Herr Hoffman Became a Veteran. OW dit I became a vetterain uf der Civil Revolutionaries Var, ch? Vell, I vill yust tolt you, mine frendt. Make me your attentions vile I speak abouid id. Mit der olt country in Chermanie I vas a broodskeller, und dat means a butcher ven you know mit vat vot langvitches you speak mit. I vas a broodskeller alretty yet ven I tolt you before, und dat vas ven I vas mit der olt country. Ven I vas so soon ofer mit dis country I gott a job alreity. Und I gott a job ad mine drate, vich vas der butcher bishness. Und der vas py mine site vorking, one nudder butchermans, Ve vas vorking to- getter py our sites—he vas py mine rite site, vich I also vas Py, too, alretty. Und ve vas vorking py each off our own sites, und der come yust abouid fifteen minutes after der dime vot I tolt you yust abouid, 8 millenary officer mit some recruiting bishness mit him, Der millenary officer he lookt me rite in mit my faces, und he set: **Do you much make luff for dis country? Und I set: ** Vy du you make me such a questionings?" “1 DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LOADED, MR. LEO," ** Because,” he set, ‘if you make much luff for dis country, maybe you mite be glat vot you schoined mit der Harmy,” he set. “No, py Chimineddy,” I set, ‘ta hellenspunks” —und dat means hell ven you know mit vot langvitches you speak mit— ‘ta hellenspunks mit ta Harmy, I sthay mit der butcher bishness, by Chimineddy.” Und den he ask dot udder butchermans, und he set der same like me alretty. He set: ‘*T'a hellenspunks mit ta Harmy, I sthay mitder butcher bishness, too, alretty.” Den ve haf some conversationings mit der millenary officer, und he set to me, und he set ad mine frendt: ‘Come haf a leedle somedings; ve haf somedings to drink.” So ve get ofer mit der saloon, und der millenary officer, he set, ‘Haf a leedle viskey.” Und I haf, togetter mit mine frendt und der millenary officer, a leedle viskey. Und den I vas yust abouid to go back mit der butcher bishness, ven he set, ‘‘Haf a nudder." Und ve haf a nudder. Den I set I must go back to der butcher bishness mit my job. Bud der millenary officer, he set, ‘‘ Ach! vat is der madder mit you, eh; haf a nudder.” Now, py Chimineddy, I veel putty good, und I set, “ Yes, ve haf a nudder, vich vill be sufficient plenty.” But, py Chimineddy, I veel goot ; I veel so vine goot ! Und he set, ‘‘ Haf a nudder.” So ve haf a nudder, und, py Chimineddy ! I veel vine alretty. Den der millenary officer set, ‘‘How vood you like ter schoine der Harmy hof der Sthades United ?” Rite avay quick, I set: ‘‘Ta hellenspunks mit der butcher bishness, I go mit ta Harmy; ta hellenspunk mit der butcher bishness, I go mit ta Harmy.” Und I jump aroundt, und I shoudt so loud mit myself, und I make my signings on der papers, und I schoine der Harmy hof der Sthades United, und I am now alretty a vetterain hof der Civil Var hof der Revolutionarics Harmy. Finis.