Life — May 31, 1900 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

If? ¥ my Aiviva edited ‘Tho leading magazine, I'd bo a duly credited Contributor, I ween. And yet, on second thought I 800 I’ve hardly put it truly, Bince by the editor I'd bo Accredited unduly. The lettors I indite to her, Though fall of merest fudge, Seem just exactly right to her, My little, biased judge. Between the lines of balderdash, ‘Tho wisdom she discovers Would fill my pockets fall of casb, If editors wore lovers, I wish my little sweetheart wero ‘Tho arbiter of fame. How gladly I'd entrust to her ‘The future of my name! Yet, what a pity it would be ‘That Shakespeare were forgot, While coming ages worshiped me, And praised my tommy-rot! Willis B, Harekins, OAD AGENT: Yourmoney or your life! GotpsTEIN (from interior of coach): How much off for cash? 0 re pts <1 AN WMPORTANT QUESTION. HICH is the meanest city in the United States ? This is an {mportant question, and one that Lire would like to have definitely settled. With that object in view, wo offer A Prize of Fifty Dollars in Gol for the best statement of facts which prove that any particular city is the meanest ono in this country. Conditions. Competitors must Hmit thetr argu. ments to three hundred #onds each. Write on one side of the paper caiy. The contest will close June 1st, 1900, and the award will be made as’ soon thereafter as the respective merits of the arguments can be determined. The winning argument will be printed, together with such others as may seem to Live worthy of that distinguished honor. Names and addresses of the writers should accompany all manuscripts. In no case will these be printed without the permission of the sender. Those who desire thelr manuscripts returned should enclose # stamped and addressed return envelope. Each manuscript may bear a, paea- donym, which will be printed with the argument. The Editors of Live are to be the solo Judges of the merits of the arguments. BALTIMORE. It was a sad day in Baltimore when the Government made postal cards smaller. When a man gets letter in Baltimore, he always examines the stamp before opening It to vee if the cancellation 1s suMctent to prevent Its re-use. Once upon a time a young inan wanted to get {nto politics; but the convention refused to nominate him instead of the twenty-term candidate, because {t would necessitate the buy- ing of new banners for the ward club, Torchitght processtons n Baltimore are always held in the daytime—to save ot! People never use ruled paper in Baltimore ; the lines are too far apart. Clothes in Baltimore are always worn by three generations. Boys dress in the style of the sixtles; youths In that of the elghtles,/ ‘st old men in modern garb. Newspapers in Baltimore are taken one to a block, The corner house reads and passes it on to his nelghbor, The last man down ts con- sidered espectally fortunate, because he gets the paper to keep for his grandchildren, Reporters in Baltimore are pald seven, nine and eleven dollars a week, according to the length of their beard. Gray-hatred men are tn demand at eleven dollars. People in Baltimore take quinine in powdered form, because they think it @ waste to buy capsules, In Baltimore insane asylums are seven men Q “(THIS 18 CALLED ‘THE DEFENDER OF HIS PAITH,’ MARY. WHAT PAITH, I WONDER “MARD-SHELL BAPTIST, I GUESS."